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32 New Year’s Resolutions For NFL Teams

By / 12.31.12

Kansas City Chiefs (2-14): This morning, they fired Romeo Crennel. That’s a start. There are literally thousands of things for them to address, but most namely they need to make sure Brady Quinn never steps onto the field again. Seriously, there’s only so much Quinn a guy can take and it’s very, very little.

Jacksonville Jaguars (2-14): Move the franchise to London. Get it over with … Baltimore Colts style. Pack up in the middle of the night and just flee. No one will care anyway.

Philadelphia Eagles (4-12): The Andy Reid era is over. It feels weird, doesn’t it? For so many years, his red mustache was shelter in the storm. Perhaps hiring coaches that, you know, have coached a particular discipline would be beneficial. Trade LeSean McCoy for draft picks, let Nick Foles develop, and GET A BETTER FIGHT SONG.

Oakland Raiders (4-12): They started Terrelle Pryor in the final game of the year. Take a moment and let that hilarious fact set in. The Silver and Black should hire insane fans from the Black Hole to follow Darren McFadden around 24/7 making sure he doesn’t get hurt and physically threatening any opposing players that touch him.

Detroit Lions (4-12): Realize that they’re not legally obligated to pass the ball on every single fucking play. God, I hate the Lions.

Cleveland Browns (5-11): No resolutions. The fact they drafted a 29-year-old quarterback proves they don’t live in the real world.

Arizona Cardinals (5-11): As a gesture of goodwill, let Larry Fitzgerald go to a team with a quarterback that can actually deliver the ball to him.

Tennessee Titans (6-10): Send out an e-mail reminder to every person who plays fantasy football alerting them that under no circumstances should they draft Chris Johnson.

New York Jets (6-10): HAHAHAHAHA

Buffalo Bills (6-10): Establish a revolutionary offense that puts the ball in C.J. Spiller’s hands on every play. Build a dome so the poor bastards attending games don’t also get frostbite on their dicks.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers (7-9): Bring back the creamsicle uniforms. Enact a rule requiring the head coach to conduct press conferences like a pirate. You’re welcome, America.

San Diego Chargers (7-9): The Chargers won seven games this year? Doesn’t seem like it. Let Norv Turner coach another year, if only for the hilarity.

New Orleans Saints (7-9): Stop cheating.

Miami Dolphins (7-9): Follow the Heat’s example and sign the three biggest free-agents available, turn it into a circus, and JUST WIN, DAMMIT.

Carolina Panthers (7-9): Don’t predict another Super Bowl win. Get Cam Newton a psychiatrist to work on his emotional issues. Choose one underachieving running back and get over it. Get Steve Smith to grow five inches.{pagebreak}

St. Louis Rams (7-8-1): Continue to frustrate the San Francisco 49ers because, hell, Jim Harbaugh is so fucking entertaining when he’s mad.

Pittsburgh Steelers (8-8): Stop having the most annoying fan base in the world. Keep Plaxico Burress and develop him into the best receiver in the game because that would just be awesome.

Dallas Cowboys (8-8): Bring back Bill Parcells. Stop blaming Tony Romo for all your shortcomings.

New York Giants (9-7): Realize that games before December count in the standings and you can’t luck into a Super Bowl title every single year.

Washington Redskins (10-6): No resolutions. What an  incredible year.

Minnesota Vikings (10-6): Give Adrian Peterson a blank check and let him fill in his salary. Make sure Christian Ponder is treating Samantha Steele well. Keep stickin’ it to the Bears when it matters.

Cincinnati Bengals (10-6): Submit Marvin Lewis to intense examination. Dude makes so many seemingly stupid decisions that somehow seem to work out. Secret genius? Maybe.

Chicago Bears (10-6): Fire Lovie Smith. Seriously, what are you jokers waiting for? UPDATE: THEY DID IT!

Baltimore Ravens (10-6): Give the ball to Ray Rice 30 times again. Fire anyone who disagrees. Find a time machine and put Ray Lewis and Ed Reed into it.

Seattle Seahawks: (11-5): Petition the league to play 16 home games, go 16-0. Profit.

Indianapolis Colts (11-5): Continue to inspire. Thank God every night before bed that the whole Andrew Luck thing worked out. Go ahead and do some damage in the playoffs.

Green Bay Packers (11-5): Get a viable running back. Intentionally piss off Aaron Rodgers because other teams won’t like him when he’s angry.

San Francisco 49ers (11-4-1): Pick a quarterback. Choose Alex Smith if you want to win.

New England Patriots (12-4): Stop putting Rob Gronkowski on special teams when it doesn’t matter. In fact, stop playing all star players when the game has already been decided. Get Bill Belichick some happy pills.

Houston Texans (12-4): Do fucking something with the insane amount of talent that resides in the Lone Star state. Stop underachieving.

Denver Broncos (13-3): Spend an entire year bragging about the Tim Tebow bullet you dodged. Go ahead and win the Super Bowl, get Peyton Manning elected governor.

Atlanta Falcons (13-3): Sit home, figure out how to win in the playoffs because, shit, it won’t be happening this year.


TAGSNew Year'sNew Year's resolutionsNFL
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