We all know athletes secretly refer to their junk by their publically given nicknames. If my nickname was Black Mamba, I would, too. But this got me thinking—who has the best Dick Nick across the four major sports? I decided to take matters into my own hands.
I proudly present the 2013 Dick Nick Championships.
The rules are simple:
1) All participants must have been active at some point during the 2012-2013 season.
2) Each sport will host a region containing their top 16 Dick Nicks.
3) This bracket does not include the top 16 players from each sport, only the top 16 nicknames. Joel Przybilla is not a top 16 player, but Vanilla Gorilla? Kobe might be in trouble.
4) Several participants have more than one nickname. In those cases, decisions were made.
5) Each Dick Nick should be evaluated on how the athlete would use it in conversation. For example, “Hey baby, have you met (the)________________?” or “Can I interest you in some ________________?”
And that’s it. To allow for maximum upsets, I seeded each participant by skill level instead of name power. This mystery has gone on for far too long. It’s up to America, and perhaps even the world, to solve this conundrum. I wish humanity the best of luck.