If you don’t watch the Super Bowl, you almost can’t call yourself an American. Every year approximately 100 million people in the US tune into the big game, and of that 100 million 88 million of them do so at a Super Bowl Party (a true fact I made up). If you are one of those 88 million Americans, below are the 12 people you will encounter at any Super Bowl party in America.
The Girl Who Hates Football But Came Because Her Boyfriend Made Her Come
This girl doesn’t know the first thing about the game and is in a horrible mood because she would rather be watching some terrible show on Netflix. She’ll probably end up passive aggressively sighing every half hour and rolling her eyes to let her boyfriend know how unhappy she is. If there is more than one of these girls at your party, they will find each other and they’ll undoubtedly talk at every crucial point during the game (and commercials) forcing everyone around them to shut them up. If I’m describing your girlfriend, I feel bad for you.
The Overzealous Fan
This person gets way too hyped over every little thing during the game to the point of annoying. First down? BOOM! High five. False start on the defense? HELL YEAH! High five. 55 yard punt? YOU KNOW IT! High five. This person will find an excuse to high five during the game over anything that’s mildly positive for the team that they’re cheering for. Oh and don’t forget about the screaming that will occur when something doesn’t go their team’s way. This person needs to calm down and realize that no matter how much they scream and jump and high five, unfortunately they cannot change the outcome of the game.
The Overzealous Fan of the Losing Team
This can be an extremely sad sight, a grown man crying over a game that in the grand scheme of life doesn’t mean anything. We all saw this video
Don’t be this guy. Understand that there must always be a loser in professional sports, take it on the chin and move on. Maybe next year your team won’t choke.
Guy Who Got Way Too Drunk in the First Half
This guy has no stake in the game and either doesn’t have class on Monday or is unemployed. There’s a party going on and they came to drink. It’s usually at some point during the third quarter when you can find this guy starting to doze off or trying to stuff pizza in his face and getting it all over your carpet. The best thing to do with this person is let them pass out, and after the game; draw dicks on their face. It’s nothing new or spectacular, but it will give you something to do when the game is over.
Guy Who Is Way Too Excited for the Halftime Show
“Guys did you hear? This year halftime show is Beyonce! I bet it’s going to be epic! I bet Jay-Z is going to drop in for an appearance! Oh man, forget about the game, my team got knocked out before the season started, the 2013 Super Bowl is about Beyonce! I’d sure as hell like to get Bootylicious with her if you know what I mean!” People actually get that excited over the halftime show and I just don’t get it. Aside from Janet Jackson’s ‘wardrobe malfunction’, when was the last time you, 1. Watched the entire halftime show and 2. Thought it was actually good. I mean, it’s a telecast of something that wouldn’t even be that cool live. My advice is to watch the puppy bowl, it’s way more entertaining and it’s PUPPIES!
Overly Dramatic Fan Girl That Wants to Fit In
This girl has 0 self esteem and needs people to acknowledge that she’s cool. She’ll do things like cheer when everyone else is cheering (but louder) and groan when everyone else is groaning (but longer) and try to act like she knows what’s going on but in all reality will have no clue. The extent of her football knowledge is touchdown and field goal, so when one of those two things happen, expect boisterous attempts at approval.
The Guy Who Still Won’t Shut Up About His Fantasy Team
Even though the real fantasy football season ended when the regular season ended, someone at your party will find a way to talk about their team. It usually begins when a player who they drafted flops during the regular season, but is absolutely killing it during the Super Bowl. You may hear things like, “Wow! Where was that pass during our league championship?” or, “How come he couldn’t run like that all season when I needed him to?” or, “Can you believe I wasted my first round pick on him this year? Next year I won’t be making the same mistake.”
The Guy Who Came for the Food
This guy might actually care about the game, but he cares about the food ten times more. Not really a super annoying person, just a person who won’t hesitate to eat the last chicken wing, or the last piece of pizza. The worst version of this person will ask you about every ingredient that you put in the queso and then make suggestions of the things you could do to improve it. Beware of the guy who came for food because he may very well be a double dipper…
The Double Dipper
This person is a disgusting excuse for a human being with 0 common decency for the other people at the party. If you can honestly dip your chip into whatever salsa, queso, bean dip etc… and then dip it back in with all your nasty saliva germs, then who really knows what other sick and twisted things your capable of. If you’re going to double dip the best thing to do is DON’T DO IT!
The Girl Who Came to “HANGOUT”
Unlike the overly dramatic girl who wants to fit in and the girl who hates football but came because her boyfriend made her come, this girl is just there so she could talk about what she did for the Super Bowl. She doesn’t care about the game or the snacks; she just wants people to know that she went to a Super Bowl party. She’ll probably take a ton of pictures for Facebook and there’s a good chance that you’ll have to “SHHHHHH” her several times during the game. But if she’s single, why not use this Super Bowl party as an opportunity to slide her some D?
This guy has spent the last week and a half memorizing statistics so it appears as though he knows everything about the game. He’ll make predictions, he’ll rub it in your face when he’s right, he’ll even call out the penalties before the refs do, just so everyone knows that he is the football expert of the party. Usually this person has the exact same self esteem issues as the overly dramatic fan girl who wants to fit in.
The Guy Who Obsesses About the Commercials
This guy will literally punch someone in the face to shut them up during the commercials. He will intently watch every single commercial that plays and he may even turn up the sound during commercials so he can see what kind of clever themes Bud Light chose to go with this year. The worst part about this person is the way they’ll laugh at literally everything. It’s like they want people to know that they are enjoying the commercials so much that they forcibly laugh louder in order to get people to pay attention. It’s okay to like the commercials but seriously, you’ll be able to watch every single one of them on Youtube Monday morning.
Aristotle is a Florida based comedian who thinks that after all the chicken wings, pizza, chips and dip the real Super Bowl is your toilet. You can follow him on Twitter @STOTLE.
[football fans image via ShutterStock]