The Monday after the NCAA Tournament's first weekend is a difficult Monday. Bleary-eyed and over-stimulated, millions of men across the country went to work or class today still totally distracted by the first and second rounds. How can you really focus today when Florida Gulf Coast's Chicken Dance is still on your mind? How can you go back to the same boring lunch of turkey-on-roll when your stomach has been completely destroyed by four days of wings and beer? Your brain is fried. Your nerves are shot. No work is getting done.
A major reason, we think, why your brain has turned Marshall Henderson is the mind-numbing repetition of the commercials shown on CBS, the Turner channels, and March Madness.com. You can probably name them off-the-head right now—the Baldwin/Barkley Capital One, the new All State Mayhem bit, the Bud Light blind date. Each was seen approximately 784 times by the casual tournament watcher.
So: Which ones were the funniest? By Sunday, which ones did you absolutely fucking hate? And which ones showed a bizarre rewatchability? Ranking time!
(NOTE: These are not the official names of the ads. We did not bother to Google the actual names.)
15. "PEPPERONI OH HOW I LOVE YA," Subway
Reggie Noble: I spent two weeks in Italy this fall and loved every minute of it. This commercial appeals to cultured motheruckers like myself. Ciao Bella!
Andy Moore: DIE.
Lance Pauker: Andy’s hatred of this actually makes me like it. Subway has definitely gone down in quality, though. Watch as they slowly creep $6 foot-longs on us, acting like it’s a better deal. Any day now.
14. "Some Nights," Southwest Airlines
RN: Are we having Fun. yet? No. Not anymore. The song is so jarring it’s impossible to ignore.
LP: Not good. Fun.’s song has made it so you don’t know what the commercial is about (I had no idea until about 5 minutes ago), and the ad constantly made me think of this jarred pickle store I sometimes pass on the way to work. Don’t think that was the intention.
AM: If you change the song from “Some Nights” to the theme from “Requiem for a Dream,” this commercial becomes evil, brilliant, and actually watchable. Via Danger Guerrero:
13. "Keep Moving," Blackberry
RN: This one is an abomination. It feels like aliens poking things up my anus when it airs. And I am NOT into that.
LP: Every person I watched this with (my roommates, my brother, my dad), decided to use this commercial as an excuse to talk about how important they all were with their Blackberry work phones. I proceeded to retreat into a prolonged period of silence and self-doubt.
AM: At this rate, I’m surprised Blackberry’s commercials aren’t put together by a high-school yearbook class. (They're not doing so hot.)
12. "Expanded Field," Buffalo Wild Wings
RN: I have no actual thoughts on this commercial but on Saturday night I was at a bar that had buffalo wings. The waitress told me the flavors were: mild, medium, hot, abusive, nuclear, and suicidal. Christ, that’s aggressive.
LP: Nothing screams the American Dream like a night out at Buffalo Wild Wings with your one friend who is an accountant, another who is in chiropractic school, and another who you see like twice a year because you have no idea what he does but you do know he has a very strange-smelling car. What we live for, folks.
AM: Buffalo Wild Wings continues to show a completely fucked-up idea of what sports fans want. No one wants the legitimacy of a football game ruined by a ref tripping the player. No one wants 15 overtimes. No one wants a 200-team NCAA Tournament field. These commercials are baffling. No one agrees with them.
11. "Bleacher Banter," Capital One
RN: Alec Baldwin has the audacity to ask Sir Charles for some shirt mustard and then judges him? Even in a commercial this guy is a dick. Some points should be awarded, however, for using a black actor and not making him dance. Extremely rare.
LP: I don’t have much to contribute here. Ever since that Hulu commercial, I’ve been somewhat convinced that there is an alien living inside Alec Baldwin, who is primed to shed his human skin at any time. Also, he was a real dick in "The Departed."
AM: Such a blown opportunity here: The funniest commentator in the game matched up with Sir Alec... and all you got were lame jokes about made-up schools, Barkley bathroom humor, and Baldwin being an ass? Fail.
10. "Cat Sweater," Hanes
AM: Combines two of advertising’s most timeless tropes—animals and Michael Jordan—into a forgettable 30 seconds.
9. "Sliders," Pizza Hut
RN: When this one hits your eye like a big pizza pie slider, you plead for more, eh?
LP: If you are in college, you should be very happy about this. And if you’re being honest with yourself, you will be spending A LOT more drunken nights with this wonderful, wonderful creation than you will with a female. Wear that badge with pride
AM: First the $10 box, now the sliders? Pizza Hut, you dogs. Take all my drunk money.
8. "Wow," Doritos
LP: They got rid of my boy Victor Rasuk aka Cam Calderon. Fuck this.
AM: Did Taco Bell really need to advertise these tacos? Every blog in the country has written about the Cool Ranch Doritos Locos tacos at this point. Plus, stoners know when a fast-food restaurant has developed a must-have product. It’s a sixth-sense.