There are literally thousands of sports team names out there, and while most of them are something generic like Tigers or Eagles, occasionally a couple slip by which grab people’s attention, sometimes for all the wrong reasons. We’ve already taken a look at the worst of the worst when it comes to team names and now it’s time to indulge our sophomoric side (What? Us? Never.) as we take a look at those team names that have made us titter (heh heh, he said tit) ever since we were old enough to know what they mean. These names come to us from both the pro and college ranks (with a very special high school team thrown in for good measure) proving that we are a society of perverts and degenerates at all levels and that we are capable of making just about anything sound dirty. And with all that said, I give you the fourteen dirtiest team names around.
Photo credit: SECfootballfan, Flickr
14 South Carolina Gamecocks
Ah, the favorite of frat boys everywhere, the Gamecocks popularity comes from one thing: they have the word “cock” in their name and it fits easily on a hat. Indeed. We’ve all seen someone walking around with the word “cock” on their hat and a giant smirk on their face. I can only imagine what the South Carolina campus looks like. It must just be a sea of assholes walking around with hats that say “Cocks” and knowing leers on their faces, like they’re the only ones in on the joke. Yeah, we get it, you’re a Cock fan. Congratulations.
13 Oregon State Beavers
And here we have the Cocks twisted little sister, the noble Beavers of Oregon State. Legend has it that the team got its name after a freak accident involving the school’s dean, his wife, a gallon of tequila, half the school’s newly formed football team and a pair of hedge trimmers. The details are murky, and we’re not ones for idle speculation but apparently by the time the night came to a close, everyone involved agreed that Beavers was the only name possible for the new team. Some may call me a liar, but those people just don’t understand history like I do.
12 Green Bay Packers
Look, I’m not necessarily proud of it but as a fan of the Detroit Lions (quit laughing) I have found myself drunkenly calling the Packers the Green Bay Fudge Packers. Like I said, I’m not that proud of it. I mean, it’s really obvious, it’s not that clever, and it’s about as juvenile as it gets. But here’s the thing: it’s so obvious that everyone who hates the Packers has said this or some variation of it because it’s so damn obvious. I’m not sure why they were originally named the Packers. I don’t know what they were packing in Green Bay, and frankly I don’t want to know. All I know is that the mind will wander where it will wander and since most of us are degenerates, you just can’t give our minds an opening like “Packers” and not expect a few drunken sodomy jokes. It’s just the way it is.
11 Blackburn College Battlin’ Beavers
Yeah, yeah, I know I already used “Beavers” once but Blackburn College took it to a whole new level when they added the word “Battlin’” to the name. The Battlin’ Beavers. Come on. Really? That sounds like the name of some weird fetish porn video or something.
10 Wichita State Shockers
If you know why this is a dirty name, then there’s not really much more for me to say. If you don’t, well… I don’t think I can really explain it to you without Guyism losing half its sponsors. Just look at the picture and use your imagination, okay?
9 New York Yankees
Legend has it that the Yankees got their name back in 1913 (They were previously called the Orioles and then the Highlanders.) when a reporter walked in on manager Frank Chance with his pants around his ankles and his hand around his Lil’ Chance. The reporter immediately dubbed Chance “Yankee Frank” and the name caught on in papers, and the team was soon dubbed “those Yankee Highlanders” much to their shame. The name was soon shortened to just the Yankees and Frank Chance bought a new lock for his office door. Once again, people will call me a liar, but I don’t hear them coming up with any answers, do you?
8 Tulsa Golden Hurricane
Apparently, the people of Tulsa were too kinky to settle for a mere Golden Shower and so they decided to let the world know that they were fans of the dreaded Golden Hurricane, which up until then was a concept only known to aficionados of certain Japanese fetish “films.” Look, I understand wanting to celebrate your team’s colors and I understand wanting to pick a fierce name that implies that your opponents are about to get blown away, but put those two things together and you get a very, very unfortunate mental image. Well, if you’re a complete degenerate anyway. Which apparently I am. Let’s just move on.
7 Detroit Red Wings
I know some of you are confused. I mean, what’s so dirty about the name Red Wings? Well, I’ll tell you. You see, in some circles, earning your Red Wings means [redacted due to gross indecency.] Word has it that Gordie Howe was known as history’s greatest Red Wing not for what he accomplished on the ice but for his proclivity when it came to [redacted due to gross indecency and we swear we’re staging an intervention for Neil.]
6 USC Trojans
Little known fact: Trojans was picked as the name of USC’s sports teams by the student body in a hotly contested election which saw the name prevail over other choices such as the Durex Devils and The Fightin’ Ramses. Apparently, there were several different names which had nearly identical support but Trojans won out when supporters of the name The Magnums threw their considerable heft behind the Trojan supporters following a long, hard, sweaty night of, uh, arguing. After the two groups came together as one, The USC Trojan Magnums was briefly considered before all sides agreed the name would be too intimidating and Trojans was chosen by itself. The Ramses supporters tried to court those who favored the awkward name “Lifestyles” but they were disappointed when they found that their support was far too little.
5 Alabama Crimson Tide
Look, there’s a reason why Alabama uses an elephant as its mascot and it’s because the mascot for the name Crimson Tide would be really, really gross. Let’s just be thankful that the people of Alabama had the good sense not to combine the two mascots. I mean, come on, no one wants to root for a team whose mascot is an elephant visiting its Aunt Flo, right? I apologize. That’s a horrible mental image and no one reading this deserved that. Oddly enough, a large number of Red Wings supporters also seem to be fans of the Crimson Tide, although I can’t begin to fathom the reason why.
4 Massachusetts Minutemen
Rumor has it that the Minutemen earned their nickname following an embarrassing incident involving the captain of the football team, the head cheerleader and a ruined pair of pants. Once again, we don’t like to speculate about these sorts of things but what we do know is that the football captain could never look his teammates in the eye again. The story has a happy ending, however, as by the time the football captain was a senior, he managed to get the nickname changed to the Five Minute Men even though his girlfriend insisted that a more honest name would be the Four Minutes and Seventeen Seconds Men but sadly for everyone else, neither of the new names stuck and the team was doomed to be known as the Minutemen forever. Oh well.
3 Providence Clamdiggers
This is the only extinct team name on this list but there was no way I could leave it off. A number of teams who called Providence home used the name Clamdiggers before they, uh, went under but I can’t imagine anyone resurrecting the name except as a joke because, well, come on. Sadly for the people of Providence, most of these Clamdiggers tried to dig their fingers into the ultimate prize, but in the end they usually just went down. Ahem. Sorry.
2 Rhode Island School of Design Nads
I’ve got to give credit to the people of RISD. I mean, let’s face it, these dudes and lady dudes know all too well that they’re not exactly athletic juggernauts and so they’ve decided to have some fun with it and they have named their teams The Nads. Yes, the Nads. Apparently, during hockey games, a mascot -– a giant caped penis named Scrotie –- leads raucous drunken cheers and apparently has been known to try to ram the goalposts tip first. Look, I’ve written a lot of weird shit in this article, and this is probably the weirdest of them all but believe it or not, everything I just wrote about the Nads is true. At least according to the Internet. And the Internet would never lie. Right?
1 Butte Pirates
Once again, if I have to explain why this is on the list, you are on the wrong site and we have nothing to talk about.
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