Now that we’re more than halfway through the NFL season, we have a pretty good idea of what teams are really made of. And, holy hell, are there some radioactive disasters out there. But which franchises are small grease fires and which are smoldering wreckage condemned to hell?
Let’s don some hazmat suits and assess the destruction.
10. New York Giants: Look, it seems weird to put a first-place team on this list. On the other hand, Eli Manning is playing at an unprecedented DERP level. Yesterday’s diarrhea in Cincinnati ended in a 31-13 loss. It was not that close. At least there are two points of optimism for coach Tom Coughlin and ancestors of hottie Kate Mara. First, the players are ON TIME to meetings. Secondly, they pulled the same shit last year and walked away NFL champions.
Train wreck ranking: Small, two-car accident with fender damage between two well-insured drivers.
9. Detroit Lions: Remember when Ndamukong Suh was the most feared player in the league? Now he’s the subject of ABPs from Southfield to Hamtramack. Matthew Stafford looks overwhelmed, Calvin Johnson has been less productive than Cleatus the Fox Robot and Jim Schwartz goatee is keeping men everywhere from getting laid.
Train wreck ranking: Grisly, limb-reducing machine malfunction at General Motors plant.
8. Oakland Raiders: They allowed the Baltimore Ravens to score a franchise-high 55 points yesterday and were beaten in all phases of the game. Darren McFadden is taking his yearly injury sabbatical, Carson Palmer leads the league in meaningless passing yardage against disinterested prevent defenses and the fans lack the energy to savagely beat on each other in the Black Hole. Dark times.
Train wreck ranking: Getting your dick caught in your zipper during a drunk piss at your town’s worst bar.
7. Cleveland Browns: They are the Cleveland Browns.
Train wreck ranking: Waking up in bed next to Mimi from “The Drew Carey Show.”
6. San Diego Chargers: Philip Rivers is throwing ill-advised interceptions as frequently as he impregnates his wife and Norv Turner’s Corpse has taken over the coaching duties from Norv Turner. At least the undead version conducts interesting press conferences.
Train wreck ranking: Waking up in Jigsaw’s lair with barbed wire around your neck and a bomb strapped to your abdomen.
5. Carolina Panthers: This just in: Cam Newton is not the greatest player in NFL history. Also, last year was last year. Sweet Mother of Fuck are these jokers unwatchable. At this point, Carolinians would rather watch the Charlotte Bobcats. LOL times 1,239.
Train wreck ranking: On par with any Matt LeBlanc sitcom spinoff.
4. Kansas City Chiefs: The Chiefs have led for a grand total of zero seconds during regulation. The loudest cheers are reserved for their starting quarterback’s brain injuries. The extra A in Jamaal Charles’ name stands for abysmal. Fans are cauterizing themselves with scalding-hot barbecue sauce.
Train wreck ranking: The skier from the “Wide World of Sports” opening.
3. Jacksonville Jaguars: Just move this team to London already. Then we can REALLY not care about them. Maurice Jones-Drew isn’t tall enough to ride any cool rides at amusement parks. The only answer: Sign Tim Tebow and let him play 1-on-11 for a new take on ancient Rome’s Christian-killing-for-sport.
Train wreck ranking: Living in Jacksonville.
2. New York Jets: Would Mark Sanchez start for any other team in the league? Would he start for any Pop Warner team? No. Yesterday’s game was unsuitable for children. Hell, it was unsuitable for the people who are into that weird bondage porn. Every single person associated with this franchise should enter the Witness Protection Program and go live in Nick Mangold’s beard.
Train wreck ranking: Antonio Cromartie trying to put on a condom.
1A. Dallas Cowboys: Would have been No. 1 if not for …
1. Philadelphia Eagles: I honestly feared for Andy Reid’s life in the waning moments of the season-ending stinker against Dallas. I was convinced someone was going to go all Mark Wahlberg in “Shooter.” Don’t anger the people of Philly. They are UNREASONABLE. Forfeit the rest of the season and let Nick Foles’ and Riley Cooper’s band play for three hours instead.
Trainwreck ranking: This guy: