We’ve all heard an athlete give a quote to a reporter and thought to ourselves, “Well, that didn’t tell me anything. How about a real answer, champ?” It’s as if these sports stars take a class in Saying Something Without Actually Saying Anything 101 (which would never happen – an athlete go to class… pfft). Luckily there are hidden meanings in many of these cliches and to help out we’ve compiled them as a little cheat sheet right here for you.
Photo credit: Hryck., Flickr
10 “We have to take it one game at a time.”
I just want to assure everyone that from now on, we are actually going to focus. Those first few games we got really sidetracked with all of our felonies and dog-fighting, but now we’re focused. It’s going to be hard though; our team is obviously distracted easily and- oooo, a butterfly!
9 “Those guys get paid just like we do.”
Did you see how bad that other team was? Oh Jesus. It was like we played the Baltimore Orioles… if they had head trauma and temporary blindness- and lost. I’m just saying this to remind you that they are professional athletes too… somehow.
8 “It’s not a sprint, it’s a marathon.”
What’s our record again? Exactly. We’ve started this season so poorly that it better be a marathon or we might as well start practicing golf- or getting ready for next years training camp. We need a miracle- and a lot of opportunities down the stretch- at least we have the latter.
7 “I don’t want to dwell on the past.”
I have so much to hide in the past! Joke’s on you guys! So what if I sold/took/bought drugs or impregnated/raped women? It’s the past baby! I’m just going to try and act professional and arrogant at the same time- and hope no one asks about my past again.
6 “They’re a disciplined group.”
What team are we playing? They’re not very fast… or athletic… or strong… or notable. I’ll just say they’re “disciplined” so I can move on from this question and not display my obvious lack of knowledge of the opposing team. Wait, Buffalo? They have a team?
5 “I just want to thank God.”
I’d thank myself first, but I already did that in the locker room. Anyway, I want to thank God for giving me money, allowing me to play a game for a living, for helping me out in court, for letting me bribe the mothers of my love-children, and for making sure my wife doesn’t find out. Amen.
4 “I’m going to spend more time with my family.”
I can’t believe I’m done with sports. It’s pretty much all I know how to do. What am I going to do with my family? Well, probably try and find as many ways as possible to spend less time with them- clubs, broadcasting, and jean commercials. You know, the usual.
3 “This is a great sports town.”
But a terrible ‘winning town.’ I am feeling amazed and furious. Amazed that fans still come out to watch this team and furious that I’m here. At least they don’t have an expectations for winning- that sort of thing can be so burdensome.
2 “There’s no ‘I’ in ‘Team’.”
God, I wish there was an ‘I’ in ‘team’. Do you see what I’m working with out there? I feel like LeBron in Cleveland or Landon Donovan in the entirety of MLS. I’d settle for someone competent- but until the GM brings someone in, or lets me free, I’m stuck wishing this sport were a one man show.
1 “Our team is searching for its identity.”
This is a sport, not ‘Clue’, so no one should be ‘searching for an identity’. To the few people that still watch us; can you help us out? Each game we’re atrocious at something completely different. And don’t expect us to fix the problem- we don’t have enough “mental toughness” for that.
I want more like this!
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