Those of us who have been lucky enough to attend a live sporting event in our lives know that despite the unmatchable atmosphere of a stadium on game-day, the environment isn’t always perfect and, more often than not, you will be stuck either between, behind or in front of an absolute imbecile.
Or worse, you end up surrounded by a pack of degenerate hooligans who only know the last name of the quarterback and a handful of other players.
Humans have many flaws and several of them are evident when the mind gets involved with watching a live athletic event.
I’m not a scientist, so I don’t know what exactly happens, but what I do know is that there are a lot of fans out there that suck and need to be ripped on endlessly, without mercy, until they can join the rest of us normal folk who can sit and enjoy a game without commenting every five seconds on what’s going on – we’re watching the game too, asshole, we don’t need an update – or get down on our team every time there’s a missed basket or the other team scores a goal.
Note: this list will not include the fair-weather fan, because a.) That’s unoriginal and b.) All fair-weather fans already suck and I hope have already been mocked on other platforms (see: Miami Heat fans leaving Game 6 of the NBA Finals).
Whether or not you’re in the stadium or just watching from a bar, these are the ten types of fans you should avoid at all costs:
This is the type of fan who thinks he’s the play-by-play commentator – somewhat different than the aforementioned fan who comments every five seconds, but not really. We’ve all been around this type of person at the bar, and I’ll even admit to being guilty of it sometimes when I get drunk and can’t help myself from unleashing my inner Gus Johnson. However, the narrator is usually not intoxicated and is just a pretentious jerk-off who doesn’t know shit about the sport and, in order to compensate, believes that making comments such as “that was a missed tackle,” “big turnover,” or “swing and a miss” are absolutely necessary.
Attention Captain Obvious: we can all see the television and know what is going on. Now, please shut the fuck up and let us watch the game in silence.
The Ego Maniac
The guy who thinks he’s a part of the team, or at least coaching it. Again, I’ll admit, I’ve been here before, but I’ve learned over time that sports are ultimately out of my control and no matter what the fuck I do, I will not have an impact on the outcome of the game. Therefore, the idiot who takes off his jersey and puts it on backward, or turns his baseball cap inside out, believing that it will help the guys on the field rally is just an ego maniac who clearly thinks his actions have some sort of mysterious voodoo power.
I hate to break it to the fan that chugs his beer before his team’s big third down, but you’re drinking abilities have no correlation to your team converting for a first down.
The Jersey Shore Meathead
He could be from Long Island too, but overall you know the stereotype. And if you don’t, consider yourself very lucky.
This was damn near close to taking the No. 1 spot on my list after attending last week’s Jets-Steelers game where I had to sit behind the most obnoxious pack of selfie-taking guidos, but I came to my senses and realized that this isn’t a universal fan and not everyone has had the displeasure in meeting such a person.
Anyhow, the Jersey Shore fan is one of the worst type of fan there is – knows nothing about the sport, the players involved or the strategies utilized to win the game, but will cheer at the big moments, make a scene and bring attention to himself even though he has nothing to say. Basically, he’s a combination of No. 1 and No. 2 on this list, but with muscles.
Worse off, he doesn’t even care that he doesn’t know a thing; hence, the photo booth drill in the stands with all his buddies as they talk in their painful accents and continue to live in the stereotype. Some people never change…
The Concession Consumer
Speaking of, the concession consumer has made it a habit – this isn’t his first merry-go round at the stadium – of eating the grossest combination of foods possible. Hot dogs, cotton candy and beer – that’s just his first course. In the second half, he’ll dive into a plate of nachos and then finish the game off with some assortment of candy whether it’s Swedish fish, Twizzlers or a Kit-Kat bar doesn’t really matter.
You may be wondering why a fan’s eating habits can be so bothersome; after all, we do live in a free country. The problem with concession consumers is that they spend so much time waiting in lines for food or applying condiments onto their grub that they miss the game and then ask you, the person next to them, about everything the missed. I loathe having to summarize what has happened in a live sporting event because I feel like each fan should be responsible of knowing what’s going on around them – sort of like driving a car – I hope I’m not alone in this boat.
The cherry on top of this fat, disgusting Sunday is when the Concession Consumer’s pretzel mustard somehow finds its way onto your jacket.
While preparing to write this I was trying to determines what’s worse – the girlfriend at the game or the girlfriend at the bar? I’m picking the girlfriend at the bar, and feel free to disagree, but I feel that a girl at a bar is more confident in speaking her mind and thusly making stupid comments than the girl at the game, who’s probably a little bit more timid and conservative around a stadium’s worth of drunkards. With that said, I’ve seen girlfriends get aggressive at games and that’s usually a scene I try to stay away from at all costs.
Regardless, watching a game near a hollering chick is pretty bad, especially one who feels she can say whatever the hell she wants because her boyfriend is sitting right next to her.
On a similar note, why would you want to go to a game with anyone that isn’t your bro…
The Family Man
One of my biggest dreams in life is to take my kids to Yankee Stadium to watch a game the same way my dad did for me when I was five. However, I know that the minute that this moment happens – and I really hope I’m lucky enough that it does – I will want it to end as soon as possible. Kids at sporting events are a combination of the concession consumer, the girlfriend and the person who asks a lot of dumb questions (don’t know if we’ll get to him, but he also sucks). Therefore, sitting next to the guy who just bought his whole family to the game is no fun whatsoever, mostly because you have to censor yourself around the children.
The Ignorant Injury Idiot
Don’t know if you saw over the weekend but a handful of Houston Texan fans cheered when their quarterback Matt Schaub suffered an ankle injury in the team’s loss against St. Louis. These types of fans are heinous, despicable and should be banned to the lowest ring of hell. I really can’t say enough bad things about them other than they were the basis for the column being written.
Why aren’t they higher then? Fortunately, they are only a few belligerent apes who are dumb to actually cheer when a professional athlete gets hurt and those who are ignorant enough to do so usually hide in the shadows like cowards, as opposed to the Jersey Shore Meatheads who hang out in plain sight.
Before moving on, I must chime in that Bronco fans booing Peyton Manning and Company last week at halftime was pretty classless as well. The team is undefeated and, by all accounts, Super Bowl bound, so hold your horses.
The Scoreboard Scoper
This person could also be known as the fantasy nut, but there is a slight differentiation between them when it comes to live sports. The scoreboard scoper is someone who keeps his eyes glued to the giant scoreboard of other games being played around the league, rather than watch the game in front of him. You mine as well just sell your ticket, right?
The only reason why this isn’t higher, and the reason why the fantasy nut isn’t on the list, is that sometimes the scores from around the league are the only thing that will keep you sane when you’re watching a really bad game or a blowout.
This doesn’t belong as high as the others because at the end of the day we’re all guilty of wanting to tailgate and get wrecked in the parking lot when it’s a game not involving a team we’re passionate about. With that said, I can’t forgive a person who actually believes tailgating is better than actually seeing the live sporting event. For Christ sakes, you can tailgate in your backyard. You can only see sports live at stadiums or arenas, and they’re not exactly everywhere. Plus, the opportunity to do see a game live is happens maybe once or twice a season, not every afternoon.
Don’t me wrong here, I love a good tailgate especially when my team isn’t playing. However, it is mundane compared to watching the game itself and I have a tough time accepting anyone who feels differently.
The People Watcher
Similar to the girlfriend and the Jersey Shore guys, the people watcher is so out of their element that the only way they can make comment without sounding foolish is by commenting on something, or someone, that has nothing to do with the game being played in front of them. They could just have tremendous ADHD, and I can accept that, but at the end of the day a football stadium is not a mall and will never be a mall so we should not treat it like one. Similarly, why the hell would I want to turn around to watch some buffoon screaming when I could just ignore him and watch the game?
It seems like a no-brainer but it’s disturbing how many people rubberneck at sporting events.