Sports
by David Covucci on February 24, 2014

lax

Stereotypes exist for a reason: so we can say extremely hateful and ignorant things about large swaths of people.

Lacrosse season is underway! Mah-fucking-other fucking lacrosse. Sick Brine Edge heads with hockey laces strung up top are being totted across the college campuses of America as we speak. Bros are on their way to practice, having just watched a Powell brothers highlight video to get jacked, ready to cradle and face dodge and sting some sick snipes (score goals).

But on every single lacrosse team, there are the exact same people. Here are the 10 lacrosse players you know from your college days.

Closet Jam Band Fan Laxer: You thought he was straight-laced and uptight, but when you went to his dorm for the first time, he threw on some String Cheese Incident. The grooves are phat, man.

Lies About Coke Use Laxer: It’s a lacrosse team. Everyone has tried coke at least once. Most use regularly. But there’s always one guy who thinks he has an image to protect and—despite constant sniffles and an obviously grinding jaw—will deny, deny, deny. Naw bro. I SAID NAW, BRO. And don’t even think about asking him where you might score some. He’s likely to deck you in the face to defend his rep.

Sweatpants Laxer: Renowned for his ability to never not be in sweatpants. Walking to practice? Sweats. In class? Sweats. Saturday night party? A pastel green polo shirt over sweats. Collar popped.

Sick Moves Laxer: He’s the guy who is always carrying his stick. The one who tries to scare nerds by pretending to shoot a ball before faking at the last second. If you ask him about the different speeds he can cradle at, he’ll gladly show you.

Stoner Laxer: Lights up before practice to focus, then after practice to unwind. Prefers joints because they are the purest form of smoking. Just like Marley, man. Will never introduce you to his dealer, even though it’s the same guy everyone at school buys from.

Super Serious Laxer: Lost in the state semifinals his senior year of high school. He’s at college for one reason: to make the NCAA Tournament then WREAK havoc. As apt to bitch you out on the practice field as he is the dining hall.

Always Drunk, Never Hammered Laxer: Usually 6′ 4” or taller. Will put down a 30 rack, although he never brags about how much he can drink. Will do shots with anyone and everyone, yet when people are stumbling about, he’s still standing straight. Somehow never makes an ass of himself.

Backup Goalie Laxer: Simultaneously cheery and depressed.

I Should Be Starting Laxer: Always an attackman or defenseman (never a midfielder). Refuses to admit players above him are better, no matter how obvious it is. Renowned for getting into games, trying too hard, screwing shit up, then blaming it on anything but himself.

Backup Who Practices Too Hard Laxer: Plays about six minutes a game, usually on man down. Uses practice to show coach he can be a full-time, second-line middie. Will joke around with you, but many times, out of nowhere, will tell you to shut the fuck up and take practice more seriously. This is our time to get better. Often shorter than everyone else.

Cares About Life Outside of Lax Laxer: Loves the team camaraderie, as well as the exercise, but will often, when drunk or high, say “Man, it ain’t all about lacrosse. We’re gonna be graduating in a couple months, and then what? Then what?”

And yea, that was 11. Whatever. Lax is sick.


[Mike Broglio / Shutterstock.com]