Sports
by Alex Nerney on May 20, 2013

This Week's Video:

These are pretty good, but there are one's even MastaDom missed:

1. Buying full priced gym memberships

                             Dumbbells up to 35? Alright!

Starting fees, gym joining fees, or any of that bullshit is not something you should EVER pay for. It's basically pure commission for the sales person mixed with a little extra for the boss.

Here's what you do: When touring the gym, act totally disinterested. When they sit you down, ask to see the manager/owner. Tell him that you really only budgeted for X amount of dollars per month on a membership and that these upfront fees won't work. They will wave them if you hang in there and don’t puss out. 

Also, make sure to mention you will only be using the gym occasionally. It's 100x more valuable for a gym to have members that sign up and never use the gym again. They want you to sign the dotted line, and never see you face. It's your job to disappoint them.


2. Wearing shirts you have cut yourself

                             YACKED

Any shirt you have cut yourself makes you look like you are trying too hard, because you are. Those frays make you look like some homeless Native American. You're not that jacked, you're just fooling yourself by wearing a small piece of fabric. If you really feel the need show off those killer traps, wear a tank. 


3. Bringing a gallon jug of water with you

                                   Native American Water, Apparently

Please tell me about the 8.5 pounds of water your losing when you workout. Unless you're doing high volumn squat sets in a bikram yoga studio wearing ski gear, a water bottle or two is plenty. Water is important, but you're not a fucking grouper chief. Settle down with that shit. 

4. Yelling

                         Look at the 8.5 gallons this guy is losing

Now there are two types of yelling.

a. You are maxing out letting out a short grunt and the end of your lift and do this without banging the plate's down excessively to make noise. This is cool, we see you. Fist bump bro.

b. Then, there is the type of yelling that lets us all know how much you were picked on in middle school. Calm the fuck down. You are not cool or intimidating or manly or whatever you are trying to be. MMA fighters don't yell when their bones get snapped off but you need to yell after that 250lb bench max???? Common broseph. 

5. Texting

                Great picking up those hookers for Jenny's birthday

You're here to workout and since the invention of applications, rummaging aimlessly through your phone does not make you look important anymore- it makes you look distracted. We don't know if you're receiving full frontal snap chats or playing season 87 of angry birds. And since your physique is questionable at best, we are guessing the latter.

TIP: As soon as you walk in the gym, turn your phone on airplane mode. You are here to lift and GTFO. There is no excuse, if it's a chick leave her waiting.

6. Mirror Gazing

                                                Still love this cat.

Looks to his left JACKED, looks to his right JACKED, yep IM HUGE.

You're not Mark Walberg. We can see you and know what you're doing.

7. Abs Every day

                                   Got dem shocks brah

If you are 20lbs overweight, ab exercises are virtually worthless. You use your core every day and probably already have GREAT abs underneath that layer the layer of lard and beer you've been cultivating. Spend that time running or doing compound exercises.

8. These exercises

Oh look. Some wise sage already wrote down the exercises you shouldn't do: Top 10 Worthless and Dangerous Exercises.

9. Wearing Weird Shit

                                               Beiber Beats

Toe shoes – Used to wear them, until I got some friends.

Dre. Beats- You look like your wearing bright red ear muffs. 

Jewelry – Necklaces??? Rick Ross has never lifted a weight in his life. Correlation, I think SO. 

Beanies – I assume your balding. 

10. Hitting on Chicks

                                             Chest day – EVERYDAY

Those goddamn Nike shorts are going to be the death of my workouts. I get it man, I'm right there with you, but if you waste 15 minutes thinking about hitting on this smokeshow, you're going to lose out on gains in the gym.

Now, seeing some of the latest Vitalized TV videos, hopefully you have learned that getting a chicks number is really not that hard. So, if you are compelled, just go up and say something like, “listen, we're both busy and I need to finish up my workout, but give me your number and I'll hit you up later (give her your phone).” 90% of the time, they will do it.

Just don't waste time bullshitting trying to think of some line to say and end up with “I like your shoes,” or “I want to nut in your nostril.” All it will do is spark some conversation that will be a waste of time.

See you never weak, bros,
Alex Nerney – Certified Personal Trainer, Certified Nutrition Specialist, Lord of Broscience

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