Now that we’re more than halfway through the NFL season, we have a pretty good idea of what teams are really made of. And, holy hell, are there some radioactive disasters out there. But which franchises are small grease fires and which are smoldering wreckage condemned to hell? Let’s don some hazmat suits and assess the destruction.
10. Chicago Bears: The good news is that they’re in first place. The bad news is that they royally suck. Jason Campbell looks like he won a starting quarterback position in a radio station contest and the offensive line has more holes than the plot of “S.W.A.T.” If the Green Bay Packers don’t win this division, I’ll eat six pounds of moldy cheese. That’s how confident I am in a full-fledged Second City meltdown.
Dumpster fire rating: Transient burning trash in a tight alley on a heat advisory day.
9. St. Louis Rams: They aren’t even good at being bad. The only thing halfway interesting about this team is the helmets. Shit, they just let the New York Jets come into town and drink every milkshake in sight.
Dumpster fire rating: Somewhat serious grease fire in your town’s worst Mexican restaurant.
8. Cleveland Browns: These guys actually play hard and are in virtually every game. All this means is that the fans are treated to an even bigger dose of disappointment each and every Sunday. Also, sweet helmets. Nothing says Cleveland like failing to come up with a logo.
Dumpster fire rating: A burning Lake Erie threatening to destroy the Rock n’ Roll Hall of Fame
7. Detroit Lions: They almost beat the Green Bay Packers. They succeeded in beating themselves. SO PREDICTABLE. The Lions secondary, collectively, is dumber than Paris Hilton talking about politics.
Dumpster fire rating: Kid Rock attempting to bathe.
6. Oakland Raiders: They are giving up points at a record pace, have a star running back on the shelf and are the most irrelevant thing in the Bay Area since Uncle Jesse’s and Uncle Joey’s radio show.
Dumpster fire rating: This guy from “Volcano.”
5. San Diego Chargers: Does anyone like Philip Rivers? Seriously, I wouldn’t even want to sit next to him on a plane. Super-inspiring move to just give up at the end of Sunday’s game, Bro.
Dumpster fire rating: Norv Turner at a Bachelor Auction.
4. Carolina Panthers: Cam Newton is a bust. There I said it. May God smite me down as I sit.
Dumpster fire rating: A rat getting fried on the third rail of a subway.
3. Philadelphia Eagles: Was lucky enough to be in Philadelphia on Sunday. Went to a sports bar and they didn’t have the Eagles on. Pretty much tells you all you need to know about this abortion of a season.
Dumpster fire rating: Nick Foles leaving his hair curler on while leaving for a long weekend.
2. Jacksonville Jaguars: I really thought they were going to beat Houston in Houston. That would have been insane. Their best quarterback, Chad Henne, can do nothing to earn a start. The fan is restless.
Dumpster fire rating: This scene from “Backdraft.”
1. Kansas City Chiefs: I mean, fuck, they killed a guy. Doesn’t get any worse than that.
Dumpster fire rating: Full-blown Hindenburg, people.