You wake up at 6:30 a.m., down a protein shake, snort a pre-workout supplement and sprint the 5 miles to the gym—where you blast your delts, smash your pecs, and maybe even think about training legs. Then you down another protein shake, sprint home, and eat 3 lb of turkey breast and broccoli. You feel like you’re making serious progress: but how do you really know?
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The following 10 traits are all things overly fit bros have in common:
1. They Wear Less Clothes
I’d even go as far as to say an inverse ratio applies: the fitter you are, the less clothes you’ll wear. Working out improves how your body looks, which improves your self-confidence. As a result, overly fit bros often walk around in cut-offs, overly fit women wear ass-hugging skin-tight shorts, and I walk up to my local gym wearing nothing but Johnson’s baby oil and a winning smile.
2. They're Better in Bed
Do this: Find a hot girl at the gym, flex your bicep at her for a half hour and spend the night clamped between her freakishly muscular thighs. If you don't die, you'll have the best night of your life. Overly fit bros can go longer, harder and more acrobatically than their couch-potato counterparts—and nothing gets a girl wetter than knocking out 20 rep shoulder-presses with her sweating, naked body.
3. They Are Drawn to Shiny Surfaces
Like a moth orbiting a glowing bulb, overly fit bros can’t help but check themselves out in any and all reflective surfaces. This habit probably evolved in the gym, where they check out their form in the mirrors, but it’s quickly escalated to the rest of the world—you’re now just as likely to see overly fit people checking out their biceps in well-waxed cars, or tensing their lats into a shallow puddle.
4. They Weren’t Always Fit
Bullying is one of the most common reasons to get in shape, so the next time you’re at the gym, slack-jawed and staring at a 300 lb bodybuilder who more closely resembles a shaved gorilla than a human being, pause for thought: The chances are good that he used to be a 100 lb weakling, bullied for his ginger bowl-cut and love of Vanilla Ice records.
5. They Are Better in Dangerous Situations
Speaking of gorillas, the world is a terrifying place; full of bloodthirsty animals and Miley Cyrus. Thankfully, no one is better prepared to deal with the dangers than the overly fit. Friend trapped under a car? Deadlift them to safety. Bear stumbles into camp? Outrun the other campers and you’re home free. Someone tries to gut you with a knife? Tense your abs, and watch that knife bounce off like… well, actually you're probably going to die.
6. They Don’t Like How They Look
"Woah dude," I hear you exclaim, "That goes against #3!" Well, slow your roll champ; overly fit people are obsessed with how they look because they’re working out which part of themselves needs fixing next. Overly fit people look in the mirror and see a grotesque Frankenstein creature, made up of misshapen body parts. Whilst you may look at them and see a toned, muscular body, they spend hours every night, staring at their reflection with tears in their eyes, cursing their hideously asymmetrical glutes and vowing to add a second "Ass Day" to their weekly workouts.
7. Food Means the World to Them
You may think that these guys have managed to escape the clutches of food, but in reality, the fittest people amongst us are the most obsessed by it; its smell, its creamy, rich texture… the way it makes us feel when we rub it on our bare, exposed flesh. Serious dieting can cause some surprising psychological issues with food, in just the same way that obesity can.
8. They Spend A Ton of Money
You don’t necessarily need to spend money to get overly fit, it just seems to happen. I mean sure, you could bench press bags of sugar tied to a bamboo pole, or go for a 10-mile run wearing secondhand Crocs, but sooner or later you’re going to need access to some actual equipment. Even following one of those Youtube-playground-workout videos isn’t without its risks, as all of the guys who made those videos are now in prison—presumably because they spent so much time in children’s play areas, wearing so few clothes.
9. They Make Sacrifices
Unfortunately, the path to fitness is paved with lost friends and missed opportunities. Being fit means staying in and sleeping when your friends are out partying, and running laps around a deserted track when they’re just waking up to the fourth installment of The Hangover. Sure, you may see the odd glow-in-the-dark oompa-loompa on nights out, with boulder-sized biceps and an A+F tee tighter than the laws of physics should allow, but these Jersey Shore-wannabes aren’t overly fit bros. They aren’t even people.
10. They Attract Fit Girls
The previous nine points I’ve listed should make this one fairly self-explanatory. The fitter you are, the more batshit-insane traits you’re likely to develop, and the only people who will be willing to put up with your shit are other fit people. 3 a.m. protein shakes, eight gym sessions a day and a diet consisting entirely of tuna and multivitamins are all excellent ways of alienating people—so if you’re ogling a super-fitty down at the gym, you either need to be just as fit, or secretly swap her meal-replacement shakes for weight gainer…
See you next week bros,
Alex Nerney -- Certified Personal Trainer, Certified Nutrition Specialist, Lord of BroScience
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