Prior to leaving finance for the splendors of BroBible, I woke up each morning (like most of you who jockey a cube) contemplating suicide before reluctantly dragging myself to work. To say that I dreaded going to my job would be an absolute insult to the definition of hatred and also a complete understatement. I can honestly declare that I'd rather have had someone take a potato peeler to my dick than go to work most mornings. It's not that I have extra girth that can be spared, it's that nothing about my job made me look forward to being there. Not even the mirror in the men's room could lift my spirits. But what truly made me loathe my job more than the non-stimulating work, the uncomfortable chair that was bound to give me a compressed spinal cord, and the shitty coffee in the break room is the people I was forced to encounter each day. Below is a list of these terrible people.
10. Hot Intern
I'll start with you because for obvious reasons, you are the only person in the office that I can tolerate. It's no secret that you were hired for three reasons: your gorgeous face, perfect areolae, and dick-sucking prowess. But, it's safe to say that if you lost even one of those fine attributes, I would hate your f*cking guts, too.
9. The Creep
The year-after-year winner of the highly coveted "Most Likely to Rape a Co-Worker Award." Your uncomfortable stares and cigarette breath are only out-shined by your complete lack of hygiene and inch-long nostril hair. How you have not been convicted of a sex crime is truly remarkable. I can only deduce that you've perfected the art of hiding human remains. And for that I am forced to commend you.
8. The Ass Kisser
It is probably a misnomer to refer to this person simply as an "ass kisser," since this guy or girl would easily eat the janitor's dick cheese if it meant a promotion. Even if a promotion wasn't on the line, they'd probably scoop it up with a few Tostitos just to show how much they love the company. While most of us are generally selfish pricks who won't lift a finger to lend a hand, the Ass Kisser runs around the office like his dick's just caught fire, making small talk about the climate and kissing every ass in a mile-wide radius. If this overly enthusiastic tool is in your office, you probably hope to be present on the day he perishes.
7. Megaphone Mouth
You are easily 100 yards away yet I can hear every f*cking word you're saying -- even with headphones on. Apparently it would take nothing short of a sonic boom to drown out your voice. This individual -- and I am not trying to be sexist here -- is usually a female between the ages of 35 and 50. Depending on her lifestyle, her topics of choice to shout to the entire office range from her children's unspectacular accomplishments to her new low-carb diet (which, by the way, is not working) to her love life and how men are all the same. I miss you the least.
6. Boss Buzz-Word
This a**hole pretty much describes every boss I've ever had. He can't complete a sentence without throwing some ridiculous phrase in it. "You know, you can't see the forest through the trees." Or "Jim, this is a living, breathing doc*ment that will evolve overtime and I want you to quarterback the efforts to see that it gets done." I wish I could make that up, but I was literally up to my chiseled tits in that type of shit.