Over the weekend, a clip from Redman's spot on Cribs went viral. For very good reason. Other than Robbie Williams' infamous tour of his "L.A. house"—which turned out to be a home he was squatting in—or Chris Pontius' car, or whatever the hell this was, at no point in the show's history was it better than when Redman appeared. I mean... The star of How High and the criminally underrated Seed of Chucky gives the best acting performance of his entire career.1 And it deserves a full breakdown:
0:09: We meet Redman. He's in bed, and the opening shot made it clear that it's possibly mid-afternoon.
0:36: "You know, we iron on the floor in here. It's easier. You can watch TV at the same time."
0:48: I think they cut him off as soon as he's starting to describe the entertainment that happens in the bedroom.
0:52: He takes us to the walk-in closet, which isn't a walk-in closet. You can actually hear hangers crunch under his feet, like leaves on a crisp autumn day, or bogarted blunts underneath a fat man's fingers.
0:59: The YouTube video, by the way, cannot be seen in better conditions than 240p. I've never actually encountered this situation before, but it feels oddly fitting.
1:10: A Sega Dreamcast, ladies and gentlemen. If that doesn't date this clip to around 2000, nothing does.
1:10: Wait a minute.
1:10: What's that beside the Dreamcast?
1:13: Now it's gone!
1:15: That was like seeing Bigfoot masturbating in the wild.
1:40: "You know, Herbal Essence bodywash ingredients. I like to keep it smelling good for the women." A quick Google search says Nicole Scherzinger is the current pitchwoman for Herbal Essences. Fire her, hire Redman. Now.
2:05: A ghost may be haunting Redman's Staten Island house. ODB?
2:12: You should probably go ahead and re-watch him play the pianos and turntables at the same time.
2:28: He's now called his studio both the "De La Casa Studio" and the "De Le Casa Money Room." His bathroom is called the "De La Casa Bathroom." The man can cut Dare Iz a Darkside, he can rhyme 85 words with weed—but he cannot name rooms.
3:01: That's his cousin, Sugar Bear, sleeping on the floor. He'll be back.
3:07: "Don't even have a coffee table."
3:24: Redman is worth, like, $10 million, so when he says "This gives me the feeling that I can move up!" I can't tell if he's trolling or actually serious.
3:48: YES. Sugar Bear again. Redman says that he doesn't even know MTV is there.
4:05: So, just to rehash, Redman has a pile of shit in one corner of his house that he'll eventually give his godkids for Christmas. Step aside, Brando: Redman is the best godfather ever.
4:26: MTV Cribs was not made to be "relatable." We were expected to be jealous of 50 Cent's Ferraris. We were expected to scratch our heads at the size of Mariah Carey's penthouse. So when Redman says he has a "shoebox of shit" located on top of his fridge... it's special. I have a shoebox of shit somewhere around the apartment too, Redman. I can bond with you over that.
4:50: Important info for bachelors.
5:08: A near perfect ending. And remember, the next time you need to find Redman, rub two wires together for the door bell.
So, what have we learned today? That Redman is the funniest and realest guy ever. And that Cribs peaked with this one episode.
1Some guy on Reddit says Redman lived in a Newark penthouse at the time of the filming, but in a 2010 interview, Redman said he actually lived in the house. "They offered to rent me a crib and shit and I turned that down. I don’t want to rent a crib and show off a crib I don’t fuckin’ own—that ain’t G," he said. I'm going with Redman's story.