Jay Z said it best: Somewhere in America, Miley Cyrus is still twerking.
Last night, in what was one of the more... surprising VMA performances in history, Miley performed a version of summer hit "We Can't Stop" in front of a background that resembled a drugged-out children's bedroom, then, to the horror of the Smith family, ripped off what little clothes she had left to twerk on a clearly befuddled Robin Thicke during "Blurred Lines." She stuck her tongue out more than Gene Simmons in his prime. She appeared, at various times, to not be wearing anything.
After thinking about it a bit, I think the performance was maybe only matched by the Britney Spears and Madonna makeout a decade ago. But was anyone really titillated by Cyrus? You kind of just wanted to take her teddy bears away, give her a stern talking-to, and call a grieving Billy Ray.
Anyway, much like a stunned populace will turn to Nostradamus and other fortune tellers after a tragedy, a nation sits this morning confused and searching for any answer it can find. We now must tour to our main tool of prophecy: The Onion.
In 2008, The Onion announced that Miley Cyrus would be "depleted" by 2013. She was being used up too fast, the news institution said, and "If we don't act now, the down-to-earth Miley who likes text messaging with her friends and playing guitar in her bedroom will be wiped off the Earth forever." "Celebrity depletion," which had recently ruined Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan, would also hit Cyrus—who, at that time, was considered a perfectly wholesome role model.
It's not that stunning that The Onion was able to predict future troubles for a wildly successful child star. But watch this video: Not only do the satiric geniuses get the year of Cyrus' watershed moment down, they essentially call the exact moment when outsiders would ask if she was "acting to wild?" It's fucking astounding.