Music
by Krum on January 16, 2014

Shuffle sucks and I always waste valuable time bypassing skits, interludes, and other miscellany in order to find my swole songs. Furthermore, if my device happens to select a Genesis track, I must immediately cease my workout routine and bask in the brilliant ensemble that is Banks, Collins and Rutherford, because I respect the craft. A “workout mix” is simply out of the question. I haven’t made a playlist since my Tequila Popper Pregame senior year, and I refuse to look back.

So I’m a Pandora guy.

I pick a couple of artists, hit “Quickmix” and proceed to crush my 95-lbs bench press. Pandorable. But do not think for a second that I select my singers in vain. No, I deliberate and scrutinize my starting lineup like John fuckin’ Wooden. The following is my trusty front line. I can count on them from stretching to smoothie.

By the way, I keep my shit strictly hard rock and rap. Save the indie for Starbucks.

French Montana

For those times when Waka Flocka is too cerebral. When you’re working out hard, you want to feel like an alpha male. You want to be brave. You must be fearless. THE MAN LITERALLY HAS A SONG CALLED “N*GGA, I AIN’T WORRIED ABOUT NOTHING”, HE OBVIOUSLY GIVES THE MOST MICROSCOPIC OF FUCKS. If you’re in the gym and hear that “Haaan” I’ve either dropped a barbell on my ribcage or I’m mimicking Montana.

Three Days Grace

I am not your typical TDG fan. I haven’t watched wrestling since I was 11 and I prefer a nice ginger ale over Monster Energy. Still, these angry Canucks have a healthy string of raucous, “fuck you, Dad”-hits. And I love my Dad. We have lunch every Wednesday and last vacation we wore matching button-downs! But Three Days Grace has me singing “You thought you were there to guide me/You were only in my way” on the 2.5 incline with gusto. That’s talent.

Action Bronson

Ironic how a morbidly obese man can motivate your supersets. Bronson’s relatable; Sure he raps about fantastical crime sprees and depraved sex acts, but he’s just a regular guy with a good sense of humor and slick rhymes. I feel a bit silly pushing plates to Chief Keef’s gun talk, but Bam Bam is the perfect mix of machismo and earnestness. He’s the high rep, low weight.

Linkin Park

I don’t care if I’m at my daughter’s wedding. I hear this song, I’m throwing chairs and relatives and pumping out burpees. Again, I’m not a particularly angry guy, but old school LP puts me in the zone to say fuck you to my would-be enemies. It’s the quintessential gym music (for real workouts, I mean. I guess Beyoncé is good for spin class). I know they’ve “evolved” but Chester’s early battle cries have always gotten me through a boring sesh. Linkin Park belongs in a special section of the Lift Music Hall of Fame, right next to “Eye of the Tiger”, even with the semi-corny raps. That does it for me. Do you guys have any suggestions for fire flames gym beats? Or apps/programs? I ‘d love to hear ‘em. Some people fox with Spotify, but apparently you can’t stream people’s mixes on your phone? Let me know whom you listen to, and how you listen, at the gym! Much appreciated!

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[Image from ShutterStock]

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