Side Note: I hate the fact that I have endowed all of you with that knowledge about Justin Bieber and I hate myself even more for having wasted minutes of my life doing it.
Justin is doing incredibly well at this point in his life. There is literally nowhere else for him to go but straight down. I was always told to quit while you’re ahead (perhaps the reason why I’m not ahead) but Justin Bieber is beyond ahead and has a once in a lifetime opportunity to NOT COMPLETELY RUIN IT. Below are the reasons why 2013 is a good year for Justin to quit.
Quit For Yourself Justin
Only a week and a half into 2013 and he’s got marijuana pictures surfacing and fans pretending to cut themselves. If he continues down this path, there is about a 98% probability (I did the math) that he will experiment with more addictive drugs drugs, get addicted to said drugs and overdose at age 27 leaving behind a legacy of yet another drug-addicted star that couldn’t handle the pressure of fame. Why chance that when he could just lie back on an island with whomever he wants counting millions while laughing at all the haterz?
Quit For Your Parents Justin
How many more lesbian jokes does she think her parents can take? I mean yeah, I’m sure they’re happy with her success and fame (which probably bought them a sweet new house), but good lord I can’t imagine how they feel about the constant barrage of he/she jokes they must read every single day about that poor lesbian child of theirs. Justin can’t keep doing this to her parents; they’re well off now, at least take some of the stress off them by quitting so they can lead a normal Canadian life.
“Could I look any less like a lesbian?”
Quit For Canada
Canada is already ashamed of Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger (and the fact that it's NOT America), why cast any more shame on a country that clearly cannot handle it? Avril and Chad may have been on the forefront of Canada’s output of terrible musicians, but Justin is adding to the legacy tenfold every time he opens his mouth. Let’s put an end to this and let Canada try and recover from the damage that has already been done.
Quit For the Good of Humanity
By quitting right now, Justin Bieber would be doing the world population a ton of good. Just imagine how much better the radio would be without his pre-pubescent screeches on every other song. Think about how much less annoying the news would be if there were no new Justin Bieber stories to cover. I couldn’t even begin to dream of my happiness if I never had to hear grown women talk about how cute he is, even though he looks like an 11 year old girl named Bridget. If only he could just see it the way we all see it he would unquestionably pack up and quit, knowing that the world would be much better off. Plus, people like me wouldn’t have to write articles like this.
Aristotle is a Florida based comedian who thinks that Bieber fever is the only disease more deadly than AIDS. You can follow him on Twitter @STOTLE.
(Editor's note: A simple “because he's fucking awful” would have also sufficed.)