…. There we go. Anyway, Carter was walking around Boston on Saturday after having dinner with “a friend”—another early-00s pop star, maybe? JoJo? Ryan Cabrera? Fat Deryck Whibley?—when he was approached by a “huge,” angry man. The angry man approached the singer, said, “I heard you’re doing a show here tomorrow. This is the town of the New Kids” (referring to the seminal Jordan Knight and Donnie Wahlberg pop group New Kids on the Block) then grabbed three friends and ACTUALLY JUMPED CARTER because they were so angry that he would invade NKOTB turf. This is real. Carter posted pictures.
Carter claims that he got a few punches in before the guys presumably break-danced while running away. “I think my knuckles might be broken, but that's what they get,” he said. “People think I'm a pretty little white boy but no way. I think I won. I'm still standing.” He added that he would not be filing a police report. That would be “girly.” Of fucking course.
Obviously, we're looking at one of the most baffling and beautiful things to ever come out of celebrity journalism. Something like this doesn't come out of even the most demented fan fiction that exists on the deep Internet. And I think I would pay more for video of the Carter Boston incident than Ms. Upton on the horse. Who knew Boston harbored NKOTB diehards who act like Slayer fans? Who knows anything anymore?