Let’s face it: The Black Keys and Jack White aren’t recording diss tracks. Avicii and Swedish House Mafia don’t have posses mouthing off at each other. Beyonce and Rihanna aren’t fighting outside of clubs.
NO other genre of music is more conducive to beefing than rap. Grandmothers can tick off the famous feuds—East Coast vs. West Coast, Jay-Z vs. Nas, Ja Rule vs. 50 Cent. These are household names.
So say you want to be a rapper. And say you’ve got beef with another rapper. You want to win your beef. What do you do?
Follow this handy guide.
1. Start beef with a rapper worse, yet more established, than you.
You’ve got nothing to gain by picking on an artist that YOU even know is better. Follow the 50 Cent rule: Notice an established rapper who sucks (Ja Rule), release a song pointing out the sucking (Wanksta), and $$$.
2. Dig up dirt.
This is CRUCIAL. You’re going to want to hit ‘em where it hurts. Bring up some a previously unknown fact from the past. Eazy-E is your guide here: He rapped that Dr. Dre used to wear mascara with the World Class Wreckin' Crew. Mascara!
What, you didn’t know Dre used to wear mascara?
(Bonus points for bringing up a debilitating disease that no one knows about.)
3. Bring up the women at your own peril.
Most brutal thing you can do. Everyone remembers how "Hit 'Em Up" began. Things, uh, escalated from there.
4. Release the beef track on a mixtape or at Hot 97 Summer Jam.
No one wants to be the next contestant on that Summer Jam screen.
5. Don't get shot.
Really, this ties into No. 3. The days of rapper violence are behind us, budding star. Rappers are trying not to lose their Sprite and Pepsi endorsement deals. Everyone is making a ridiculous amount of money. No one wants to bring gunplay into this. So release the diss track, then lay low. Maybe find a safe house or a relative to stay with.
6. Make sure you release a follow-up that kicks ass.
The rapper you're beefing with will probably drop a song calling into account your masculinity, sexuality, or way with women. You're going to want to be ready with that. Drop the (already recorded) follow-up the NEXT day.
He'll never know how you did it!
7. Reap the benefits.
You are a bawse. You are the king of the rap beef. You can go ball out in Monaco now.
In celebration of Beef Thursdays "We've Got Beef, Bro" is a weekly column dedicated to everything we're currently hating at BroBible. Please air your beefs at #BeefThursdays to help us pick the next topic to put in our crosshairs. If you've got beefs, we need to know.