Ultra and Coachella have already left a trail of crunchy beats, wailing guitar solos, and lost fanny packs in their wake. The countless other festvials across the country promise to do the same. Now, once you've actually decided which one of these events you're attending, what's a Bro to do? Adie from preparing to rage face, you're probably going to be interested in the clientele of X chromosomes present at these things, barring any recent vasectomies. However, not all poon is created equal in the fake-life world of music festivals. A wide range of hot chicks attend these concerts and in honor of Electric Daisy Carnival taking the Meadowlands by storm this weekend, I've compiled a list to prepare any novice Bro for the inevitable conrnucopia of slams and occasional swamp-donkeys that he may see.
RELATED: Bro’s Guide to Music Festival Season
The “I Can't Feel My Face” Girl
“Have you seen my friend Molly?” For any of you Bros lakcing a full 64 Crayola set of crayons (if you only had the basic 12 crayon set as a kid, you were poor), this girl wants to score some drugs from you when proposing this question. However, if she looks more like a Ralph Lauren Model decked out in pearls than a girl wearing a stupid Hello Kitty hat, she actually might be looking for her friend named Molly. But I digress. Anyway, a fun thing to do is to give a girl like this some SweeTarts or some other harmless candy and f*ck with her. That way you aren't doing anything illegal and she may look at you like you're the second coming of Christ (or Skrillex, same difference). Also, you won't get arrested for drug posession/distribution and will probably take this cartoon character to pound town.
The Repressed High School Girl
Watch out folks, we've got a livewire on our hands. STAY AWAY! This chick hasn't been to many concerts, if any, before. However, her parents thought Electric Daisy Carnival was going to be a family friendly event, like a county fair in a field, so they let her out for the day. Well, that's almost right, except that it's in a pretty stanky part of the Garden State that will feature girls trying their best to top Kate Upton's cat daddy dance. In other words, it's my personal happy place (minus Chubs playing piano). Unless you're a high school sophomore, stay clear of these walking disasters. They'll be puking long before Avicii starts remixing “Levels” on stage for the bazillionth time.
The “Keep Calm and Blaze On” Girl
Not as much of a factor at EDC, but these broads are present at most festivals like Bonnaroo or the 4th of July Phish run at SPAC. They may be too spacey or conked out to be much a Yin to your grinding Yang. They also might smell if they're at Bonnaroo regardless of what they've been smoking, but you probably will too so don't be a puss. Anyway, these girls girls will either be really fun or less exciting than a wet Ramen noodle, so good luck if you're looking to roll the dice like Leonard Washington, fool. Hopefully you'll get snake eyes.
The “Foucault Would Have Loved The Flaming Lips” Girl
Ugh, sorry, I just threw up in my mouth a little bit. There are lots of hipsters at these music festivals too. Now, I don't normally condone violence, but I won't tell anybody if you launch several PBR cans at the faces of the male counterparts of these girls following a successful steal and shotgun. Sometimes, these hipster girls are down to get freaky if you like a challenge. If you can convince this Zooey Deschanel lookalike you think her hobby of growing her own produce on the rooftop of her Brooklyn apartment is helping to save our planet, you two may soon be doing the no pants dance all the way to Williamsburg.
The Great White Buffalo
In case you forgot, you're a Bro. So, unless you're a total Melvin, the prime tail at these festivals should at least notice of you. It goes without saying that most any Bro can find at least one girl wearing head-to-toe neon with loose morals and an even looser belt buckle to take home, but the Great White Buffalo may take a bit of work to wrangle in. However, if you find a girl that likes all the bands at this fetival that you do, isn't throwing up everywhere but still embraces Drake's motto, has the body of Candace Swanepoel, isn't trying to do her best Jenna Marbles impression to try and upstage you, or actually is Candace Swanepoel, you might be in luck. Good luck this summer, fellas. Make your escapades extraordinary.