Dreams are the gateway to the subconscious. Or they’re completely meaningless gibberish akin to an acid freak-out. Either way. Still, dreams can probably tell us at least a little something about ourselves. And so with the help of science and our good friend, Dr. Sigmund Freud, here are nine common dreams and what they say about you.
9. Falling Dreams
Explanation #1: You are feeling out of control in real life, and so your subconscious finds a way to sublimate this into a physical action – freefall.
Explanation #2: According to the great scientific tome known as the Bible, falling dreams indicate that you are falling away from the Lord, probably because you’re a dirty, dirty sinner. Speaking of…
What Freud Would Say: You are contemplating giving into a sexual impulse, or that you need to tighten your sex game up, son, because you’re not being careful enough. Basically, you’re determined to get it, but you should probably make sure you wrap it up before boning down.
8. Flying Dreams
Explanation #1: Flying dreams are all about power. The better you can fly, the more secure you feel about yourself and the world around you. The more you struggle, the more insecure you probably are in real life.
Explanation #2: Flying dreams are probably the most common form of lucid dreaming – dreams that you’re aware of and can control to some degree – and thus, probably represent wish fulfillment. I mean who doesn’t want to fly?
What Freud Would Say: Flying dreams are a subconscious manifestation of erections, and that our ability or inability to fly is indicative of our security – or lack thereof – in our boning prowess. Also, something about a link between birds and sex, but really, Freud was coked out of his mind, so who knows? Maybe you want to bone a bird?
7. Test Dreams
Explanation #1: You’re feeling anxious about being carefully scrutinized about some issue in real life – being metaphorically put to the test. You feel challenged in some way, and often how you fare in the dream is indicative of your confidence in your ability to meet these real life challenges.
Explanation #2: You’re worried about being judged by others, probably because Gladys from work knows you ate her pudding cup out of the fridge and she’s on to you, man. She’s on to you. Don’t fuck with Gladys.
What Freud Would Say: You’re afraid of not being able to get it up while trying to bone Gladys.
6. Chasing Dreams
Explanation #1: If you dream of being chased, chances are it’s an indicator of how you would deal with real life stress – by running away. So basically, you’re just a coward. No big deal.
Explanation #2: You’re actually running from some aspect of yourself. Whatever is chasing you is simply a manifestation of a part of your personality that you might not like. So, if, say, a bear is chasing you then you probably are having trouble coming to terms with the fact that you’re really, really into the furry subculture.
What Freud Would Say: You want to bone your teddy bear. Oh, and your mom too, but as far as Freud is concerned that goes without saying.
5. Trapped Dreams
Explanation #1: You’re feeling frustrated by something in real life. Maybe you’ve been stuck in the same dead end job for years, or maybe you hate your wife. Who knows?
Explanation #2: You’re hanging onto something that you need to let go. Whether it’s guilt, anger, or just a bad habit that you need to break, your subconscious is trying to tell you that it’s smothering you and pretty soon it will choke you out completely.
What Freud Would Say: You’re being trapped by your desperate need to bust a nut. Either that or you’re really, really into breath-play. Just make sure no one finds you hanging from a belt with your pants around your ankles. If David Carradine couldn’t get away with it, neither can you.
4. Missing Teeth Dreams
Explanation #1: You’re feeling worried about your appearance, and so your subconscious is being a dick and making you feel like a toothless hillbilly, because nothing helps with the fear of rejection more than feeling like a Hee-Haw extra.
Explanation #2: You don’t feel like you’re being heard enough in real life, and that you feel a sense of powerlessness, which… I don’t know what the hell this has to do with teeth. Is someone just making these up?
What Freud Would Say: You’re worried about being impotent, but hey, no worries – now that your teeth are gone, you’ll be a huge hit down at the men’s prison. Also, you want to bone your grandma.
3. Nudity Dreams
Explanation #1: You feel vulnerable or ashamed of something, and so your subconscious strips away your defense mechanisms in the form of clothing. Man, your subconscious is kind of a perv and maybe even a full-on sex pest.
Explanation #2: You secretly want to leave behind feelings of shame and the restrictiveness of society and return to a time of innocence, when clothing – both emotional and literal – was a foreign concept. After all, we were all born naked.
What Freud Would Say: Pretty much the same as explanation #2, only with a lot more random boning and mom sexing. Don’t even get him started on the whole “born naked” part.
2. Death Dreams
Explanation #1: A phase of your life is coming to an end. Maybe you’re leaving a long-time job, or a relationship is on the rocks. Your subconscious is letting you know that it’s okay to let go. It’s time.
Explanation #2: There is a part of you that you want to get rid of. Maybe that bear from the chase dream caught up with you, and now that he’s mauling you to death, you can let go of your furry fetish. Hey man, they’re your dreams.
What Freud Would Say: You secretly want the person whose death you’re dreaming of to die in real life. Goddamn, Freud, that’s pretty raw. If you’re dreaming of your father dying, well, I hate to tell you this, but you and mom might be listening to some Marvin Gaye while sipping on some Courvoisier together in the near future. At least wait until his body is cold.
1. Sex Dreams
Explanation #1: The person you’re having sex with probably actually represents something you like about yourself. Basically, all the people in your dreams are a manifestation of a facet of your personality, and every action that involves them represents your own feelings about those parts of yourself. So don’t feel bad about that dream where you banged the family dog, it just means you appreciate your own sense of loyalty, you sick, sick bastard.
Explanation #2: You’ve just gots to have it.
What Freud Would Say: He’d ask you if you were wearing a hat while you were doing it, conclude that it represented your mother’s vagina and then excuse himself to “powder” his nose again.
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