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Velveeta shortage looming; 5 processed cheeses to help cope

By / 01.08.14

Wikipedia

Wikipedia



A potential Kraft Velveeta shortage has people scrambling to pick up enough bricks of the cheese to build a house. If you were too busy stocking up on Sriracha and missed the boat, here are 5 processed cheeses to get you through the dark times ahead. I won’t get into the debate about whether these are actually cheese or not because, to be honest, I just don’t care. They’re delicious in their own Taco Bell sort of way.



I didn’t realize until I started putting this list together that basically every fake cheese product on Earth is made by Kraft. Good for them.

5. American Singles

Kraft

Kraft


American singles are the go-to replacement for a slice off the old block. It won’t work if you’re trying to make mac n cheese or a dip, but it gets the job done on a grilled cheese sandwich. It also comes in sizable stacks and lasts forever, so no need for repeated trips.

4. Bacon Cheese


Do I need to say more? It’s bacon and cheese in one delightful block of heaven. Put it on a potato and you’ve got the easiest potato skins in the world! Want a bacon, egg, and cheese breakfast sandwich? You don’t have to waste time cooking bacon, it’s right there in your cheese. Hallelujah!

3. Cheez Whiz

Kraft

Kraft


Hate spelling? Cheez Whiz is for you. Contrary to the mental image of whizzing, Cheez Whiz does not come in an aerosol can. It’s in a jar. You won’t need to melt it though because it has a constant paste-like viscosity.

3.Ritz Crackers and Cheese Dip

Walmart

Walmart


To satisfy your on-the-go cravings, you can’t go wrong with the childhood favorite cheese and crackers. When was the last time you felt the joy of that red plastic spreader in your hand? The Velveeta shortage is the perfect excuse to relive the good old days.

2.Easy Cheese

theabundantartist

theabundantartist


Easy cheese is nothing if not easy. You don’t need a knife, cracker, celery stick, or anything else for that matter. You can just spray it directly into your mouth. No muss; no fuss. Bonus points if you can bring Mitch Hedberg’s dream to life and make “Glow-in-the-Dark Easy Cheese.”

1. Old School Velveeta

Who are we kidding? There is no substitute for Velveeta. PANIC!

retrogasm

retrogasm



TAGSbacon cheesecheesecheese n crackerscheez whizcolumnseasy cheesekraftkraft cheesekraft singlesvelveetavelveeta shortage
Colin Joliat
About Colin Joliat... Colin Joliat is the 2nd best person to ever come from Flint, Michigan, behind only Andre "Bad Moon" Rison. He covers the food & alcohol industries with two parts information, one part comedy, and one part WTF is wrong with this guy. When not passing off drinking as research, he can typically be found in parks trying to trick people into believing he's funny. Follow him on Facebook.

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