Hot Pockets are awesome; I don’t think there’s anyone who can deny that. But, not all Hot Pockets (or Lean Pockets) are created equal and to show that, we unfortunately need to be critical. My methodology here is very scientific, and as such includes no limited edition, subs, twisted stix, paninis, deli styles, pretzel bread, croissants, snackers, Culinary Creations, pot pies, whole grain versions, Sideshots or breakfast Hot Pockets. There are over 100 types in total, believe it or not, but I’ve carefully selected a representative sampling to go over.
Do you disagree with me? Oh, you do? Sweet! Tell me about it in the comments.
Photo credit: Retailmania, Flickr
10 Chicken & Cheddar with Broccoli
Who the fuck said you could put broccoli in my junk food? HPs are not meant to be filled with healthy side dishes, just the main course. Stay away from this one unless it’s the only one left, sad and alone in the freezer section of your local supermarket.
Eating tip: Don’t.
Photo credit: Hot Pockets
9 Barbecue Chicken
This isn’t bad at all, but there’s no reason to get something with such a tasteless meat (chicken is great, but Hot Pocket chicken isn’t) when you can get a Barbecue Beef HP instead.
Eating tip: Get the BBQ beef one instead.
Photo credit: Hot Pockets
8 Cheeseburger
This is a tasty one, but it could be better. Instead of those weird little beef balls that are similar to the ones used for the Meatballs and Mozzarella one, why not just use some ground beef that’s at least a grade or two above the type that Taco Bell serves? Also, there is mustard in here, giving the cheese sauce a slightly off taste. Burgers don’t get served with mustard, hot dogs do.
Eating tip: Dip in ranch, ketchup, hot sauce or sour cream (sounds strange, but sour cream goes really well with beef and cheese. Just ask a taco.)
Photo credit: Hot Pockets
7 Philly Steak & Cheese
This is a surprisingly good HP, considering it has vegetables in it. The cheese sauce isn’t as sharp as it could be, but it does melt nicely. The meat is the real star here, emulating Philly-style steak pretty damn well.
Eating tip: Pay no attention to the green peppers.
Photo credit: Hot Pockets
6 Meatballs & Mozzarella
Just like the Cheeseburger HP, less spongy, real ground beef would be better. But, the mozzarella is good and the sauce is surprisingly well-seasoned, making this a solid offering.
Eating tip: Open it up, sprinkle in some garlic powder, oregano and hot pepper flakes, close it up and enjoy.
Photo credit: Hot Pockets
5 Barbecue Beef
As one of the very few Hot Pockets without cheese, this is quite a rarity. The BBQ sauce is passable and the beef is surprisingly good. They combine into a meaty, delicious sandwich that doesn’t even need cheese. (Though if they were to add some, cheddar would do nicely.)
Eating tip: Dip into your favorite hot sauce to cut through the sweetness of the BBQ sauce.
Photo credit: Hot Pockets
4 Pepperoni Pizza
Though the pepperoni is too thick and not crispy or spicy enough, the total package will temporarily satisfy pizza cravings in a most awesome way. A true Hot Pocket classic.
Eating tip: The perfect dip for this is ranch dressing, garlic powder and Tabasco sauce flavored to taste.
Photo credit: Hot Pockets
3 Bacon, Egg & Cheese
There is real egg and real cheese and real bacon in this, so it’s easily one of the least processed-tasting HP out there and the perfect alternative to a breakfast sandwich.
Eating tip: Try a piece of the bacon alone. It is smoky, salty and delicious. You may proceed.
Photo credit: Hot Pockets
2 Four Meat and Four Cheese Pizza
So many meats and so many cheeses! This happy mélange of protein is salty, fatty, delicious, nutritious (maybe not) and wonderful on so many levels.
Eating tip: Tap a bit of parmesan cheese onto every bite.
Photo credit: Hot Pockets
1 Ham & Cheese
Over 25 years ago, Hot Pockets were brought to the supermarket shelves and can you guess what the first flavor was? Ham and cheese.
Eating tip: Refrain from eating more than one per meal.
Photo credit: Hot Pockets