There’s a saying often uttered by people who adhere to a healthy-diet lifestyle. “If your great-grandmother wouldn’t recognize it as food, don’t eat it.” To those people I say, “My great-grandmother ate dirt in Italy.”
There‘s no way in hell great-grandma would recognize my favorite foods, and I am perfectly comfortable living with this knowledge. My favorite type of food is new to the world. It’s manufactured. It’s exactly the kind of food that celebrity diet scolds warn us about. My favorite type of food is food that tastes like other food. These are seven of my favorites, Jamie Oliver be damned.
Photo credit: AlishaV, Flickr
7 Molten Hot Wing Potato Chips
I don’t smoke weed, but these make me want to smoke weed because I want to crave hot wing potato chips on every level. I want to crave them while sober and while I am in an altered state of mind and even while I am sleeping. I want to get high with my new weed friends and stare at the bag and try to think of a better idea in the world than these little ridged discs of succulence, but I know we will not be able to.
6 Bacon Popcorn
You know who likes plain popcorn? No one. Most of us need salt and butter just to choke the stuff down. The people over at J&D Foods came up with an ingenious solution: bacon-and-butter-flavored popcorn. Then the J&D people upped the ante and released an entire lineup of bacon-flavored products, including bacon salt, baconnaise, bacon ranch, bacon croutons, bacon gravy, bacon rub, bacon lip balm and even bacon-flavored envelopes. The magnificent bastards at J&D found a way to put bacon on office supplies. We will all work for them someday. Then they’ll get greedy and start turning human beings into Soylent Green. But we’ll worry about that later.
5 Bourbon Chicken
If you have ever been to a mall food court in the United States, you have been approached by someone giving away samples of bourbon chicken. Odds are, either on that trip to the mall or on some other, you ordered bourbon chicken. That’s how damned delightful it is. Asian Chow Hawaiian Wok Express or whatever it’s called can GIVE ITS PRODUCT AWAY and still make a profit because it knows that once you take one sweet delicious bite of bourbon chicken, which as far as any of us knows does not exist outside of malls, you will be hooked for life.
4 Pepperoni Pizza Combos
On road trips I eat these things by the gross because THERE IS NO BETTER ROAD TRIP FOOD THAN PIZZA COMBOS AND SODA. None. I don’t care that the pepperoni pizza dust that coats these little nuggets of gorgeous tastes nothing like an actual pepperoni pizza. All I know is that when I finish the bag, I lick my fingers, then I put my wet fingers inside the bag to wipe up the remaining pepperoni pizza molecules, then I lick my fingers again, and then I weep quietly, for my snack is gone.
3 Bayhawk Chocolate Porter
One way parents teach their kids not to drink beer is by giving them a sip of some nasty-ass macro-brew. If my dad had given me a taste of the wonderful, chocolaty goodness of Bayhawk Chocolate Porter when I was a kid, my entire childhood would have revolved around procuring fake IDs, filching chocolate porters from my friends’ parents’ refrigerators and trying to get a job at Bayhawk Brewing at age 10. Bottom line: I’d be dead by now. Keep away from children.
2 Jalapeno Carne Seca Beef Jerky
I don’t know what carne seca means in Spanish, but my guess is “mouthgasm.” Beef jerky is one of the rare foods that is good on its own, but when you kick it up a notch with some jalapeno action, you’ve got dinner, friend. Yes, beef jerky can be dinner. What the hell do you think John Wayne ate? Salmon? The man ate beef jerky and smoked Lucky Strikes and drank Texaco motor oil every night like a real man.
1 Cool Ranch Doritos
The perfect snack food on every level. Maybe the perfect food. Most snack chips are plain and boring and awful, which is why we Americans fill our arteries with ranch dressing and onion dip and give ourselves diabetes at kids’ birthday parties. There is no need for dip with Cool Ranch Doritos. They taste like the dip you would otherwise be dipping them into. What I’m saying is these goddamn things save lives.
I want more like this!
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