TIME is voting on the most influential burgers in history, but aside from Krusty Burger and the Ghost Burger most of them are pretty boring. To compliment the real life burgers, I’ve come up with 10 fictional ones that should be added to the list. Some are burger joints rather than just the burger due to a lack of back story, but you will probably agree all of these are excellent additions.
Obligatory quote: “Yeah, well, fortunately for you, not too many people I know read your little TIME magazine, or whatever it’s called.”
Honorable Mention Bob’s Burgers
Bob’s Burger’s could easily be number one on the list, but they suffer from having too many great options. Every episode features a different burger of the day, and with 55 episodes already that’s just not fair to the competition. Blame Obama.
10. Cartman Burger – Ass Burger
We’ve all faked sick before, but few of us have tried to pretend we had Asperger’s by putting burgers in our pants. Cartman’s Ass Burger comes in at number 10 because, while certainly notable, you really wouldn’t want to eat it.
9. Barth’s Diner
You Can’t Do That on Televsion‘s Barth was known for his lack of sanitation and his keen ear, not to mention bullying Zilch. His burgers were typically made from the bodies of his enemies, much like a modern day Mrs. Lovett. He even went so far as to put a fairy tail in one burger, proving that his #1 priority was pleasing the customer.
8. Bronto Burger
When Fred and Barney weren’t getting bitched at by their wives, you could probably find them hammering Bronto Bugers. I’m not sure what dinosaur tasted like, but I’ll bet it was delicious. Where are the paleo fanboys when I need them?
7. Honker Burger – Moo Cow
It’s no secret that I think In N Out is the most overrated fast-food joint in America, but I’ll overlook that for its parody, Honker Burger. Few people remember that Doug Funny became best friends with Skeeter Valentine because the blue barracuda helped him order at Honker Burger the first time. “The new kid wants three moo cows, one no qukes, one no stinkers, one wet one, four cubers, and four from the vine.”
6. Good Burger – Good Burger
“Welcome to Good Burger, home of the Good Burger. Can I take your order?” is the most well known fast-food phrase outside of “would you like fries with that?” Kenan and Kel aren’t the best burger flippers, but Kel’s secret sauce makese their burgers second to none.
5. WacArnold’s
Rarely do you get a life lesson with your fast-food, but WacArnold’s taught as that, “the leanest burger in the world, could be the meanest burger in the world if you cook it that way.” I support any restaurant that gives young African-Americans an opportunity to serve their communities, making them feel responsible for the welfare of their own environment.
4. Mooby’s
Mooby’s has a lot going for it. Not only does it have a golden calf as a mascot and a moo sound instead of bell when you enter, it’s also the only fast-food restaurant I’ve ever seen with internet terminals. No wonder Jay and Silent Bob love the place.
3. Krusty Krab – Krabby Patty
Being referenced in the Rej3ctz’ song “Cat Daddy” is an automatic entry to the list, so Krabby Patties were a must. I’m not one of the thousands of people who watch Sponge Bob as an adult, but the fat that they serve hamburgers under the sea warrants their placement.
2. Big Kahuna Burger
If these Hawaiian burgers are good enough for Jules Winnfield, they’re good enough for me. Just be careful you don’t get shot in the face after eating one. Fun fact: Big Kahuna Burger has appeared in 6 different movies.
1. Burger Shot – Meat Stack
Fast-food burgers will slowly kill you 99.99% of the time. Burger Shot is that one exception. If you happen to live anywhere in the Grand Theft Auto universe, you can get shot multiple times and be as good as new just by ordering lunch. Then you can kill and rob the employees so you’re essentially getting paid to eat.. If that’s not good enough for #1, I don’t know what is.