I had a conversation with my buddy “The Beast” not long ago about the bar scene and the way everyone acts like an animal, especially the guys who are there to get laid. Seriously, it’s like watching a nature special about predators and their prey. If only Steve Irwin was around to do some commentary for us… But since he’s not, here’s a list of the various animals you’ll encounter trying to find their mate each and every time at the bar.
Photo credit: jonrawlinson, Flickr
6 The Pack Hunters
What they do: They arrive in great numbers, already aggressively drunk. You can identify pack members by their blowout, shiny, tight-collared shirts and the way they inflate their chests in a primal effort to make themselves look bigger than they actually are. They’ve chosen to migrate from bro-central for one reason: to get laid.
How successful are they? This group has a very high success rate for a few reasons. Among them are their inherent lack of standards and morals and their ability to attract the exact type of female they’re there to mate with in the first place: the orange-hued tit-bird. Though the pack often flies together, one or more can sometimes become separated from the group. The group will not wait or search for him. Instead, they’ll forget he ever existed until after the mating ritual is complete.
5 The Vultures
What they do: The Vultures are a group of males that circle around a female who isn’t currently being guarded by any other females. This closes off her exit and makes her easy prey. Vultures will typically roll to the bar together and spring into action as soon as the first lovely creature makes her way to the watering hole for a drink. They swoop in and circle around, working against each other to gain the female’s interest.
How successful are they? If we’re talking about percentages and numbers, divide “zero chance at all” by the amount of guys and you’ll get your number… which, by the way, still equals zero.
4 The Symbiotic Creature
What they do: This will usually be comprised of two males who go to the bar with the understanding that they’ll be working as a team. Often, one of these males is more dominant and well-versed with the act of courting females while the other will need help obtaining the female’s recognition and approval. Still, the dominant male relies on his friend to act as a buffer to help the veritable mating dance of conversation going and drinks flowing.
How successful are they? The fact that they approach their potential mates with a focus on symmetry (they will only seek out groups of females that equal the number in their own group) helps them increase their modest odds of success.
3 The Scavenger
What they do: You can identify this one by the awkward, stumbling gait which he uses to get around. The Scavenger has imbibed enough to lower his standards and improve his confidence level. Going solo as per usual, he waits for the most appealing females to get taken in by the mightier males and then sneaks in to nab the leftover, less desirable females. He is easily scared off by even a whiff of an alpha male’s presence.
How successful are they? Due to his hindered mobility, speech, and capability of holding an erection, the scavenger has a low probability of success. Still, there are female scavengers out there as well, so he’s got hope.
2 The Hyena
What they do: Hyenas are known to actively engage females, scaring off some of the larger males in the process. Often loud and boisterous, the Hyena can entertain a large group. If the Hyena sees leftovers from the Pack Hunters or Vultures, he will move in to take what he believes is rightfully his.
How successful are they? Since the Hyena has the ability to hold a group’s attention, females become more attracted to him. And even if that doesn’t work, his low standards will help him pick up those leftovers. Hyenas don’t always get what they want, but they do get what they need.
1 The American Eagle
What they do: This is a truly rare bird indeed. It is the sober male who soars around the bar content to just look in on the action. He’ll even swoops in to offer a safe ride home. High standards and morals allow the American Eagle to hold his head high, striving to be a symbol of justice in the dangerous wild.
How successful are they? Unfortunately, this male’s success rate is low because of his tendency to get stuck in the friend zone, slowly making his entire species quite endangered.
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