GIFterpiece Theatre: Slap you very much---an ode to slapping GIFs
Raquel Pomplun, 2013 PMOY, has the Instagram of the year

8 things you should not bring to the bar

By / 05.11.13
what to not take to the bar

Lomo-Cam, <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/camkage/4641313369/sizes/l/in/photostream/" target="_blank">Flickr</a>


Today we’re going to talk about something very important: what NOT to bring to the bar. If you want to have a successful evening then let’s be clear on this. Crystal. Clear.

Photo credit: Lomo-Cam, Flickr

8 A Raging Boner

woman on brain

<a href="http://www.shutterstock.com/pic-133608116/stock-vector-vector-drawing-of-a-male-head-and-female-silhouette.html" target="_blank">Woman on the brain image</a> by Shutterstock


If you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you shouldn’t troll the bar for hot strange when you’re horny. It’s just basic logic science psychology something.

Photo credit: Woman on the brain image by Shutterstock

7 Your Douchebag Friend

drunk friend

rileyroxx, <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/rileyroxx/412669159/sizes/m/in/photostream/" target="_blank">Flickr</a>


You know, the one who will get drunk and dance like Prince from Purple Rain across the room. Same goes for the one who will swoop in and take the girl you’re talking to without a second thought. Oh, and the one who will get too drunk and throw up inside his own pants while he’s on the toilet. Leave them all home.

Photo credit: rileyroxx, Flickr

6 Lots of $$$

money

<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/59937401@N07/5929472943/sizes/m/in/photostream/" target="_blank">Flickr</a>


You know why I’d suggest not bringing too much money? Because your dumb, drunk ass will spend it. Sure, keep an emergency debit card around, but if you’re the type to buy a whole group of people shots just because you’re feeling good at that particular moment, you may want to plan ahead for that by leaving the credit card at home.

Photo credit: Images_of_Money, Flickr

5 A Flask

flask

permanently scatterbrained, <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/iamagenious/622721301/sizes/z/in/photostream/" target="_blank">Flickr</a>


You don’t bring this into a bar because no matter how smooth you think you are, you’re going to lose that air of suaveness as the evening goes on. That’s when you get caught, and getting kicked out of a bar isn’t fun. The alternative? Leave the flask in your glove compartment and take a “smoke break” mid-way through the night.

Photo credit: permanently scatterbrained, Flickr

4 Pick Up Lines

pick up lines

<a href="http://www.shutterstock.com/pic-136789526/stock-photo-young-woman-with-a-glass-of-wine-talking-to-a-man-at-the-bar.html" target="_blank">Woman talking to man image</a> by Shutterstock


No matter which one you use, it’s corny. If girls are laughing when you say it, they’re laughing at you and your failed attempt harder than they’re laughing at the line… always. Instead, say “Hi” or make an observation about the scene that isn’t already obvious to her.

Photo credit: Woman talking to man image by Shutterstock

3 Your Sob Story

sob story

<a href="http://www.shutterstock.com/pic-137241881/stock-photo-drunk-and-lonely-latin-man-holding-a-rum-or-whiskey-bottle-image-focused-on-his-drink.html" target="_blank">Sad man image</a> by Shutterstock


There’s a time and place to talk about your sad feelings and for men, that’s never and nowhere. In all seriousness though, don’t kill the mood. Find sober moments, in private, to chat about what’s going on in your life with someone who cares.

Photo credit: Sad man image by Shutterstock

2 An Empty Stomach

empty stomach

<a href="http://www.shutterstock.com/pic-72663262/stock-photo-tightening-the-belt.html" target="_blank">Belt tightening image</a> by Shutterstock


You don’t want to go on an empty stomach lest you find yourself drunker than you expected and making out with a girl so wugly (wasted and ugly) that she looks like she’ll need an old priest and a young priest to conduct the exorcism. But, if the 2-for-1 special of drinking with no food in your system is really your thing, then at least take a break between drinks.

Photo credit: Belt tightening image by Shutterstock

1 A Full Stomach

full stomach

<a href="http://www.shutterstock.com/pic-109337420/stock-photo-chubby-kid-trying-to-wear-pants.html" target="_blank">Fat guy image</a> by Shutterstock


Alcohol is basically poison and it does strange things to your body, especially with a full gut. There are a couple of different directions things could come out (quite literally) and that should be reason enough to take it easy on the second helping of bacon-infused, cheesy casserole you were planning on downing earlier.

Photo credit: Fat guy image by Shutterstock


(Previously published on January 4, 2012.)


TAGSArbitrary RankingsBar essentialsEssentials for a night outfeaturedGuyism LibraryListsThe LibraryThings to not bring to the barWhat should I take to the bar
Jason Epstein
About Jason Epstein... Jason Epstein is a nationally published freelance writer living in the greater NYC area. He's known for his close friends/good conversations/playing bass/wind in the face/rocking out/reading up/holding it down/good times/turning on dimes/and sometimes trying to rhyme(s). He can be reached at his website and you can follow him on Twitter here.

I want more like this!

Follow us on Facebook and get the latest before everyone else.

MORE STORIES FROM OUR FRIENDS:

Join The Discussion


Comments are closed.

Sign Up