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12 things that only a douchebag would say

By / 02.25.12
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Things a Douchebag Would Say

joestump, <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/joestump/3061547849/sizes/z/in/photostream/" target="_blank">Flickr</a>



There are many varieties of the American douchebag (douchebagus Americanus) species. There is the overly aggressive tanned muscle head douchebag as seen on Jersey Shore. There is the hipster douchebag, seen drinking a PBR and wearing skinny jeans in a bar -– excuse me, a pub -- near you. And there is the garden variety obnoxious douchebag, oblivious to the fact that no one can stand him. You can find that one in every corner of our grand society. But while these different species of the douchebag might differ when it comes to the particulars, at heart they are all brothers, members of the same tribe of imbeciles and jackoffs who make life so insufferable for the rest of us. And since we here at Guyism care so much about the rest of you, we thought we’d compile a list of phrases that will helpfully allow you to identify a douchebag should it wander into your midst. So, if you hear any of the following twelve phrases being uttered near you, you’ll know you’re in the presence of the not so elusive douchebag. And if you find these phrases coming out of your own mouth, well... perhaps it’s time to do some soul searching. With all that said, here are twelve phrases that douchebags just love to say.

Photo credit: joestump, Flickr

Favored by our friends, the hipster douchebags, “It’s an artistic choice” is code for “Nobody likes anything that I do but I have to find a way to justify it rather than come to terms with the fact that I am a failure and/or an untalented hack.” Seriously, it just makes you look like a pretentious asshole. Of course, if you disagree with anything in this article or how it was presented, you can go to hell, because it was an artistic choice. See?

This particular phrase has begun to gain steam over the last couple of years, and is douchebag code for “Mind your business and let me do what I want.” Of course, to the rest of the world it sounds like an invitation to mutual masturbation, and hey, maybe in the back of the strange douchebag brain, that’s the ultimate goal. Who knows?

Please, stop saying this. Please? First of all, it’s not that funny. Usually, it doesn’t even make sense when someone says it. It’s just the grasping response to something the douchebag mind registers as vaguely dirty. Second, so many douchebags say this now that the phrase itself has become like a big flashing neon sign that just says “Douchebag” whenever someone uses it. You might as well just do a Borat or Austin Powers impression while you’re at it.

I don’t know quite when it became fashionable to refer to grown men and women as “the kid” or “that kid” but it somehow manages to sound both utterly ridiculous and incredibly patronizing at the same time. It sounds especially ridiculous for a 25 year-old to refer to another 25 year-old as “the kid,” like the speaker is some grizzled veteran of the game of life. I’ll make a deal with you. If you want to go around calling people your own age “the kid” then you have to be willing to let them call you “the asshole” or “the douchebag.” Deal?

Used by douchebags to describe any woman that they care about more than as a human humping post, “wifed up” manages to be both stupid and demeaning. Telling someone that “I’m gonna wife her up” just makes it look like your default setting is to treat women like shit. It’s, uh, it’s not the compliment you think it is. You might as well just say “You know, normally I would treat you like garbage because I’m a douchebag and I don’t really care about anyone but myself, but I’ll treat you like a human being just because I’m in a good mood.” Gee, thanks.

If you are still using any variant of this phrase in the year 2011, you really, really need to start asking yourself some tough questions, starting with “Why am I such an obnoxious douchebag?” Seriously, you sound like an idiot. Maybe you’re okay with that. Maybe you’re okay with sounding like you just stepped out of a time machine from the late ‘90s or like you finally got old re-runs of MTV’s Total Request Live on the dish in your barn out in the cornfields of Iowa, but really, for your own good, please stop saying this. Please?

Insert whatever band/actor/TV show/sports team you want in there, it won’t change the fact that it just makes you sound like a douchebag. So, you liked something before it was popular? Hey, good for you. I guess that means that... that... wait, what the hell is that supposed to mean? You had nothing to do with that popularity. Your eyes or ears just managed to be pointed in that direction first, that’s all. Seriously, it just makes you look like an insecure douchebag who gains his or her identity from leeching off of genuinely talented people. You may have liked them before they were famous, but I’m guessing they like being famous a little more than being worshiped by some hipster douchebag who doesn’t understand that no one cares what he thinks.

This little phrase has become the mantra of the douchebag, used to condemn anyone who doesn’t think exactly the way that they do. “Be real” is a phrase that extends throughout the douchebag community, from the juiced up muscle heads to the scornful hipsters. Heard most recently over and over and over again on Jersey Shore, “Be real” is the admonition tossed in the face of anyone who the hive mind deems to be “fake”. Think about that for a moment. If your head just exploded, it’s because it understands that such a sentiment makes no damn sense at all. Chances are, if you’re telling someone to “Be real” it’s because that person actually is being who they are and you just don’t like it.

Everyone has that one overzealous and over-defensive friend who joins a fraternity and then freaks out if you dare to call it a frat. Usually, they’ll then smugly shoot back with “You wouldn’t call your country a cunt, would you?” Well... no, but that’s because that wouldn’t make any damn sense. Frat and fraternity are used interchangeably by sane people because, well, they mean the same damn thing. You can get all uptight about that all you want. That’s fine. But just realize that it makes you look like an enormous douchebag.

No explanation needed.

Any time you feel the need to quote yourself to make a point or draw a laugh, you just look like a self-important, desperate douchebag. In modern times, this has extended to retweeting your own tweets. Look, if someone thought it was interesting the first time, they would have retweeted it or responded to it then. (And yes, I came up with this one after I shamefully retweeted myself earlier today. Deep down, we’re all douchebags.)

If you’re still saying this, well... let’s just say that winning is the last thing you’re doing. This extends to gibbering about tiger blood or any of the dumb blather which came spilling out of Charlie Sheen’s blowhole in those few days when America became briefly fascinated with the total meltdown of a coked up lunatic. It’s not funny, it’s not clever and it doesn’t make you look like you’re captured the zeitgeist. I mean, your mom probably has quoted Charlie Sheen at some point in the last couple of months. Miley Cyrus has quoted Charlie Sheen. And if you’re still quoting Charlie Sheen, even knowing all that, well you sir are a douchebag. Congratulations.

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TAGSadvice for menArbitrary RankingsBe realCharlie SheenDane CookfeaturedListsThat’s what she saidthings a douchebag would sayWifed UpWinning
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