I set out a few weeks ago to discover the secrets to successfully getting served faster than every other Johnny McDouchebag in a crowded bar. While I did pick up a few tips, what I really learned is that bartenders hate almost all of us.
I have spent far more hours in a bar than any non-employee should, and I fancy myself a pretty good patron. Simple things like giving good tips, treating workers like people, and not being demanding have always been staples of my stool-side manner. Apparently that isn’t the case for the majority of people though.
As punishment for all your wicked ways, you’ll be getting an etiquette lesson instead of the Konami Code to unlimited fast and free drinks. The truth is that there’s no way to ensure that you’re going to get great service, and getting hooked up is going to take a little luck or a Care Bear Stare. Stick to these techniques though and you will improve your odds of getting in good with the bartender.
Flagging the Filler
Start by snapping your fingers at them. Nothing gets someone’s attention quite like snapping at them as if they were your mentally challenged cat with attention issues. For female bartenders, I recommend yelling “Hey, sugar-tits!” Males, on the other hand, prefer to be called “chief” or “boss.” All of these terms are seen as a sign of respect in the industry.
If you happen to overhear one of the bartender’s names, be sure to yell it repeatedly as if you are friends. Bartenders love serving their friends and often times they will forget that you are actually a complete stranger and come to you first. If you can’t play the friend card, just remember that they are your servant for the evening and should be treated as such.
If neither of these moves gets their attention, just start yelling your order at one of the bartenders while they’re making someone else’s drink. Technically that makes you next, regardless of what kind of rotation they’re using. Remember — it’s not cutting if you’re the loudest.
Picking Your Poisons
Be sure to use the ordering process to impress your friends. Once you have the bartender’s attention, make each person feel important by individually asking what they want. Relay the order to the bartender one drink at a time. They work in a bar, so it follows that they are certainly not intelligent. If you tell them your complete order at once, they will obviously get confused. Also, much like when you are making sweet, sweet love, eye contact should be avoided at all costs. You don’t want the broad making your drinks to think you respect her as a person.
While an empty cocktail lounge is a terrible place to talk to a bartender, a packed frat-fest is the ideal situation during which trust in the mixologist’s instincts. Just tell them you want a Jameson and assume they know what to do. If you are too specific (shot, rocks, twist of lemon, sweet ‘n’ low), then it’s your fault if the drink sucks. By not telling them what you actually want, you can then complain regardless of what shows up.
An extra insider tip for you: If you ask for a “strong one” or for less ice, you will automatically get more alcohol. Most bars don’t operate with revenue in mind, so you can easily cheat them out of an entire second drink’s worth of booze just because they want the glass to appear full. Don’t Stumble or Digg this too many times, because if the bars start to catch on the free ride will be over.
Tackling the Tab
When your drink arrives, make sure thank them. No one thanks me for filling out my TPS reports, why would I thank them just for doing their job? They are getting paid and that should be all the gratitude they need. If they are ridiculously attractive, you can consider leaving a tip as an extra reward. Regardless of how much the tab was, the change should suffice. It doesn’t matter if it was $2.50 or $15.50; the leftover fifty cents is the appropriate tip.
One thing many people forget is that all bartenders are lazy. By not having your money out when your drinks arrive, you give them a chance to take a short break. Another great way to help out is by repeatedly paying with a credit card. Have them close it out each time you order a drink because it gives them an extra minute of just hanging out instead of serving other customers.
While there may not be a Patron Bill of Rights on the wall, there are certainly unwritten rules that are common knowledge. The garnish tray is on top of the bar because they want you to take your own. They have tons of those things, so go ahead and stick your disgusting fingers in there and take as many cherries as you want. And when it comes to beers on tap, be sure to ask what they have. Just because you are standing directly in front of all of them doesn’t mean you should be required to read what they are.
Ignore These Lies
Following my guidelines will surely gain you status as a regular after just one visit. Here are a few additional tips that actually came directly from bartenders themselves. I’m a bit skeptical though and think that the bartenders are just trying to screw with me. None of them fit what I’ve already outlined as the proper protocol.
• Try to order from the same bartender all night. If you are tipping well, they will start hooking things up for you.
• Do not ask, “What are your specials today?” when there’s a life-size “Today’s Specials” poster staring you in the face.
• Put down the damn cell phone – will not serve.
If you have any tips and tricks to help enhance my blackout nights at the bar, feel free to leave them as a comment. I’m sure all the other degenerates reading this would appreciate the help as well. I’d also recommend keeping this article away from all your bartender friends. You don’t want them to know that you’ve learned how to game the system.
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