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8 stages of beer drinking

By 10.23.10

Stages of Beer Drinking

SaLoOm, Flickr

The other day, I was talking to a buddy about our college days. We remembered the good old days when we could get up at 10 am and drink beer until early the next morning. Sadly, we are getting old and can barely make it to Jimmy Fallon these days, but that got us to thinking about the past and how much beer is enough to really get you in trouble.

We put together this list and hope that next time you decide to drink a few beers, you’ll think about some of the warning signs we talk about below and hopefully, we’ll be able to keep some of our readers out of trouble when all their rowdy friends come over. If we only save one person from getting a Chinese symbol tattoo or marrying someone you just met in a Vegas strip-club…our list will have had purpose.

Photo credit: SaLoOm, Flickr

8 Sober
You haven’t had anything to drink. You (probably) have all your motor and social skills completely intact. You are perfectly capable of talk to any law enforcement officials that may crash the party. This is as good as you are going to be on a unicycle. Try and remember that later on in the night, as unicycling will only sound like something easier and easier to do as the night progresses.

7 Buzzed (AKA “buzzed” or “pretty good” )
You’ve had a few beers and you just start to feel a twinge of that warm feeling you get when you have a few. Things that would usually bother you become a little bit easier to deal with and most people are perfectly fine with letting you operate things such as grills and small power tools. You feel like you are starting to float a little bit and you just feel wonderful. You don’t even need to drink that much more because you like where you’re at. Yet, you usually continue to drink and that’s where things start to get a little messy.

6 Really Buzzed (AKA “tipsy” or “getting there”)
The internal map of your surroundings has been skewed by a few trips to the Ice House. You accidentally kick over the beer you were drinking or accidentally start knocking things over. You start to notice that things aren’t exactly where you left them. Maybe you bump into someone from behind and they spill just a little bit of beer on themselves. No harm done. You apologize and they laugh, but you don’t exactly understand why you are having a hard time navigating because you “haven’t had that much to drink.”

5 Drunk (AKA “plenty boozed” or “drunk”)
You have met your quota for alcohol intake for the night, but that’s the Catch-22; you realize that you have had enough to drink, but the drunk voice in your head is telling you that you should keep drinking more anyway. “You’re just starting to be fun. The party is just getting started!” says your inebriated brain. Talking starts to sound LOUDER. And you notice that there is now a heightened level of concentration that you have to use when reading your internal map to do things you wouldn’t usually have trouble doing. Things such as making it to the bathroom without knocking a magazine off the coffee table become extremely complicated. Or if you are at a party, you may have trouble remembering where the bathroom is. Things start to take a little bit of effort on your part and this should send up major red flags. No talking to anyone important for the rest of the night. And stop texting your ex!

4 Really Drunk (AKA “Schknockered“ or “don‘t tell him we hid the beer”)
You will know you are at this stage when you notice that you are swaying a bit when you stand and slurring when you try to form coherent sentences. This will prove arduous, as you will feel the need to tell really long and rambling stories that don’t seem to have any semblance of a point and don’t seem to be heading towards a logical conclusion. When you hear a girl tell a story about a cat, you will interrupt and talk about how you heard NASA was planning on sending cats to space and how that was a terrible idea. You’ll mention how they have no opposable thumbs and cats are moody and wouldn’t relay vital information back to Cape Canaveral because felines always have their own agenda. And a half an hour later (after you lose complete control of the volume of your voice) you’ll be talking about how Buzz Aldrin wasn’t an f’ing cat because you met him that one year you got thrown out of space camp. Others at the party will be talking about a loading you into the first cab they see and getting you home before you do something you’ll regret.

3 Blitzed (AKA: “done“ or “the guy we quit serving an hour ago”)
Remember earlier, when you were accidentally bumping into people and spilling their drinks? We’ll that was 10 beers ago and your brain is telling you that you don’t have time to wait to pee. You now feel like a running back and have the ability to run through large crowds of people. When you see a hole you hit it hard like Tecmo Bo Jackson and just start plowing through people like a drunken, screaming steamroller. People start to yell at you, or want to fight you at this point. You have jumped the shark my friend. Your act has gone from being funny to being obnoxious. Your internal map now looks like a war zone. Everything you touch seems to break and everyone you talk to is hostile. Nobody wants you at the bar or party anymore. You are a party Nazi. You have come in and blitzkrieged everything in site and somebody should physically force you out of wherever you are to prevent further damage. And usually somebody will.

2 Blackout Drunk (AKA “somebody else‘s problem“ or “Inmate: 218567”)
And then there is the brutal end. It’s like dying, but with 100% more consequences. This is the level where most inappropriate or crude phone call are made. Everything you do now you will regret tomorrow. You should be in bed or near bed at this point unless you are getting sick in the bathroom. But, on the plus side, remembering where the bathroom is no longer a problem because the world has become your toilet. There is no accidentally about it–everything you do looks like a battle plan. You are a mixture of Shiva the Destroyer and a golden retriever that has yet to be potty trained. If you talk to the cops, it will only be because they have you handcuffed in the back of their squad car. Apologize to everyone you meet the next day. Trust me. And get the hell away from that unicycle*!

1 Hospital Drunk
Somehow you managed to drink enough beer to go to the local hospital. Congratulations, as you’ve won a free stomach pumping and thousands of dollars in medical bills. Come to think of it, if we’d have just let you ride the unicycle, you would have sprained your wrist and saved yourself a lot of time and insurance claims. Our bad, Drunky.

*The unicycle is a metaphor

About Shawn Norris... Shawn Norris used to write things for National Lampoon and the now-defunct Blue Monkey Disco Party as "Douche Larue." Now he spends most of his time writing jokes, scripts, and trying to find a literary agent that will return his calls. Even though he wasn’t born yet, he often takes credit for faking the moon landing. Also, he’s allergic to tequila -- it makes him breakout in felonies.
TAGSAdviceArbitrary RankingsBeerDrunkennessfeaturedHow to know when you're drinking too muchLifestyleListsStages of beer drinking

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