Valentine’s Day is a great time to ask that girl you’ve been interested in (stalking on Facebook) out on a date. But before you do, it’s always a good idea to get some last minute advice. If you’ve asked your friends before, you know they won’t be of much use (‘dude, just let her touch your penis’ isn’t very helpful), so where do you turn?
Watch a chick flick.
There’s a guy behind every movie your crush has ever loved and therein lays the secret to her heart. Most guys are oblivious because of the saccharine nature of these films and we don’t you. But in the interest of higher learning, we’ve extracted all the little bits of wisdom from your girl’s favorite fictional boyfriends.
Photo credit: YouTube/20th Century Fox
*By the way, this article is packed with movie spoilers in case you were planning on seeing these movies. Yeah, we didn’t think so.
13 40 Days 40 Nights
No warning about blindness or hairy palms could stand up to this cautionary tale about the horrors of NOT masturbating. After resolving to stay abstinent for 40 days, Matt Sullivan (Josh Hartnett) is a walking raging boner. Somehow, he still manages to find love and make female audiences swoon. For that, he should have taken home an Oscar, if not the Pulitzer.
Lesson Learned: Some couples like to incorporate toys into their sex lives to maximize pleasure. Matt likes to use non-sexual things that women love. In the ‘sex scene’ with Erica (Shannyn Sossamon), he picks up a white orchid and somehow brings her to climax. Feel free to try this at home but first, find out what she’s into. If she likes food, try pouring a plate of spaghetti on her back. If she likes reading, pick up that novel and thwack her against the forehead (hardcover, if she’s really in the mood). Use your imagination; anything can be a sex toy.
12 10 Things I Hate About You
Long before the late Heath Ledger starred in The Dark Knight as the Joker, he starred in 10 Things I Hate About You as a scruffy bad boy who gets paid to seduce a holier-than-thou Julia Stiles.
Lesson learned: This one is simple. Women can’t resist a foreign accent. It makes them think they’re in some kind of romantic adventure movie involving big hats with the ribbon on it. Hire a voice coach and back up your accent with a compelling story about growing up in obscure foreign town in obscure foreign country. It’s not lying if it’s sexy.
11 Save the Last Dance
Sean Patrick Thomas appealed to girls of all races in MTV Films’ ode to interracial dating. He was an intelligent and responsible dude with dreams of attending Georgetown Medical School. He also promised awkward white girls he’d teach them how to dance, although his methods were pretty questionable (who knew slouching in that chair would help you with your two step?).
Lesson Learned: Sean gets the girl (Julia Stiles) in the end because he chooses her dance audition over watching his childhood friend’s (Fredro Starr) back in a shootout. That ain’t hip hop! Whether you believe he was justified in his hoes-before-bros actions or not, there’s no denying the fact that women love when we choose them over our friends. So if you ever need to get in a girl’s good graces, bail out on your friends when they need you most. If they accuse you of being a bad friend, you point that finger right back at them for ‘cock-blocking’.
The definitive guide to being a meticulously dressed valley girl proved street thugs weren’t the only ones who knew how to communicate via hand signals (Crash course: making an L with your index and thumb doesn’t stand for ‘Love’). It was also about looking for love only to find it right under your nose, as Cher (Alicia Silverstone) goes from douchebag Elton to obviously gay Christian, before finally settling on boyishly charming Josh (Paul Rudd).
Lesson learned: Josh opens up that tiny window of opportunity by working for Cher’s dad (also, his stepfather) and dillydallying around the house. Sending a job app to your love interest’s father might not be the best idea but do increase face time. This way you’ll always be in the back of her mind for when things don’t work out with plans A and B. Sloppy seconds is still seconds!
9 She’s All That
When Zach Siler (Freddie Prinze Jr.), the most popular guy in school gets dumped, he makes a bet with his friend claiming he can replace her with the biggest loser in school, Laney Boggs (Rachel Leigh Cook). Eventually, she takes off her glasses (becoming attractive a la Steve Urkel to Stefan Urquelle) and he falls in love with her, making it the most expensive Lasik commercial ever.
Lesson Learned: In one of their first meetings, Zach attends one of Laney’s art shows. After her piece is over, Laney gets the host to bring him on stage and puts him on the spot. Surprisingly, he owns it, impressing her and everyone in the audience with the most heart-pounding explanation on the principles of hackey sack. That’s why art is a beautiful thing. There is no right or wrong. So invite her to that gallery and flex your non-knowledge. Sign up for a poetry slam and end your piece by pissing yourself. The more outrageous, the better.
The only non-chickenhead teen pregnancy movie features a track-shorts-wearing Michael Cera, the unlikely sex symbol with the Ellen Degeneres hairstyle. Like his other roles, he’s awkwardly passive (even when it comes to initiating the lovemaking), providing a good foil for Ellen Page’s brash assertiveness.
Lesson learned: Cera’s performance teaches us that girls like calling the shots. So when approaching women, do like the wildlife safety experts say and lie down in front of them, keeping still to appear non-threatening. They’ll walk all over you for a bit but if you hang in there, you can be a supporting character in the movie of her life and sing duets accompanied by acoustic guitar.
7 The Notebook
The Notebook is a real ‘what if’ love story because the girl must choose between two viable options, the picture perfect guy from a well-to-do family and her first love who comes from a more modest background. Ryan Gosling plays the latter, stopping at nothing to win her heart, unfazed by the fact that she doesn’t respond to any of his 365 letters. It’s that perseverance that catapulted Gosling into the hearts of females everywhere. Strangely enough, the most touching moments of the film are carried out by James Garner, the older version of his character, yet he never reaches the same teen heartthrob status as Gosling.
Lesson learned: The two lovers are only reunited after Gosling’s character, Noah, fulfills the promise he makes to her; rebuilding a house with white walls and blue windowpanes. If you can’t afford property or don’t possess the know-how for that kind of reconstruction, start with something small like a shrine. If you really want to impress her, decorate it with lit candles, photos, and strands of her hair. It’s what Gosling would do.
On the surface, Hitch is about a love doctor who can’t seem to make his tried-and-true techniques work for himself. Beneath it all, this movie is Will Smith’s ‘come at me bro’ challenge to Denzel Washington as sexiest black actor alive as he takes swagger to new frontiers.
Lesson Learned: When Hitch agrees to help Kevin James’ character with his crush, the first thing he does is Google her name. It’s something a lot of guys do, but when Hitch utilizes the search engine, it’s to bust out a strategic plan, not… something else.
5 A Walk to Remember
When girls get something in their eye, they reach for A Walk to Remember and flush it out with tears. Jamie Sullivan (Mandy Moore) is a leukemia patient who doesn’t have much time left and Landon Carter (Shane West) is the guy who doesn’t let that stop him from loving her.
Lesson learned: Walk to remember? Landon’s example makes getting close to your woman friend a walk in the park. Next time your girl catches a cold, don’t just bring her chicken soup and a Snuggie. Stay by her side, look into those eyes and really let her know that you’re in this together. Extra points if you get her to write up a bucket list.
4 500 Days of Summer
What happens when you pursue the girl who specifically tells you not to pursue her? If you saw Tom Hansen (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) trying to get with the fickle Summer Finn (Zooey Deschanel), there’s only heartbreak and Twinkie binges down that road. Still, fangirls fell in love with the role reversal here, as Tom plays the part of hopeless romantic trying to prove the existence of true love.
Lesson Learned: Although Tom pretty much gets owned all throughout this film, he knows how to plan a date. Whether it’s his ‘look-at-me-I’m-introspective’ favorite place overlooking the city or the married-couple hangout that is IKEA, he keeps things funky. You can do the same by taking her to your ‘spot’ and following up with a little Walmart action. Home Depot is good too.
3 How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
In a coincidental twist, aspiring journalist Andie Anderson (Kate Hudson) is on a mission to get a guy to break up with her while ad man Benjamin Barry (Matthew McConaughey) is trying to do the opposite, in the same amount of time. Women loved Benjamin because he knew how to push all the right buttons (cook expensive diners, sending flowers to her work, light candles to set the mood) while accepting her at her worst.
Lesson learned: Our pal Benjamin Barry knows when both sides are in the wrong, its time to make things right and move it along. But he also knows you can’t just call her up on the phone, send an e-mail, do a Facebook poke or anything immediate like that. Girls appreciate a little drama. So next time you get into a big argument and she starts running; take a second to lace up your shoes, do some stretches, maybe count to ten for good measure, and then give chase.
Twilight not only filled the void Buffy the Vampire Slayer left behind, but it set precedent as grown women (WTF mom!) openly took part in this rampant fangirldom. The reason for this madness can be attributed to the paranormal love triangle involving a girl, a vampire and a werewolf. It’s a testament to a woman’s desire for the best of both worlds from their partners, sensitivity and beast-like manliness. But we all know real monsters don’t fall in love (have you seen Kanye’s music video for “Monster”?).
Lesson learned: Edward drives girls crazy because he knows how to play the game. He doesn’t immediately give her what she wants and he always looks slightly pissed off. These two elements combined afford him an air of mystery, arousing the ladies while steering him clear of the dreaded friend zone. A quick and easy way to achieve this effect is by quickly climbing up a tree (as Edward does), turning back only to look down at your girl with cold disapproval.
Only a genius like James Cameron could have foreseen the epic date movie potential in a disaster flick like Titanic. Girls went absolutely ape shit over the street-wise Jack Dawson (Leonardo DiCaprio), watching the movie no fewer than three times, reaching out to the screen and crying out each time he sunk to the bottom.
Lesson learned: One way Jack wins Rose over is by bringing her to the lower levels of the ship, exposing her to how common folk like to party. So if you do manage to bag a rich girl, don’t try to impress her with your money. That’s a losing battle. Instead, start dinner off with some of the finest selections from the Dollar Menu, get two 40 oz. bottles of malt liquor for drinks at the park, and if she’s still around, two rides on the subway should get you front row seats to a street performer’s (read: crackhead’s) rendition of Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On”.
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