When a night out takes a wrong turn… sometimes that turn leads you right into a place that’s truly magical. There are hot chicks in nurse outfits. The place is jam packed with the best drugs money can buy. They even have technology that allows you to pee right there in a bed without having to get up. Of course, I’m talking about that wonderful place we all know and love called the emergency room. The people who work in the E.R. are pretty much impossible to shock. They’ve seen it all. People end up there for the most insane reasons… and here are 7 of them.
James Cameron’s Titanic PCP Sabotage
The man brought us the Terminator. He made millions of vaginas moisten with “Titanic.” He gave us all weird boners that were hard to understand with “Avatar.” James Cameron has brought the world much joy, but apparently working for him can really be tough for some people. One crew member on the set of “Titanic” got really steamed and decided to enact vengeance. He got really creative with it to and put PCP in Cameron’s soup leading to a visit to the hospital for the famed director and 50 of his crew members. Cameron managed to puke before the drug took hold, but the other crew members weren’t so lucky. Shit got weird and the culprit was never caught!
The Devil Works in Mysterious Ways
Our good buddy Satan is a busy fellow. He is responsible for all of the horrifyingly bad things in our world and somehow manages to keep all of it together. He’s pretty hilarious too. When the Devil makes people do things, 9 times out of 10 it’s comedy gold. The Dark Lord convinced some schmuck named Thomas Passmore that his hand was the property of Hell… and the man decided to cut that bad boy right off. He arrived at the emergency room and told doctors adamantly NOT to reattach the hand. The devil eventually stopped fucking with his head and Passmore realized he had made a boo boo. At that point, doctors couldn’t reattach the hand and Passmore turned to the U.S. Judicial System. He sued the hospital for $3 million.
99 Problems and A Bitch IS One
The female members of our species can really give us dudes a what-for. The phrase “hell hath no fury like a woman scorned” rings true in the head of one man above all. His name is Michael Moylan. The 45-year-old Florida resident woke up with a splitting headache one day. The pain got so bad he made his wife take him to the emergency room in fear that he might have had an aneurysm. Doctors got in there and determined the headache wasn’t due to an aneurysm at all. Nope, turns out his wife April Moylan had shot him IN THE HEAD while he was sleeping. It’s all good though, she said it was an accident.
That DID NOT Go as Planned
Suicide is never a good option. And nothing is worse than when you botch taking yourself out. Several people have attempted to throw themselves off of the Empire State Building, some have succeeded but some have failed… hilariously. In 1979, Elvita Adams decided to jump off of the 86th floor of the building. She survived when a gust of wind blew her back into the 85th floor. She didn’t escape unharmed though, she broke her hip resulting in an incredibly awkward trip to the ER.
Your Girlfriend is At Risk for Water Ski Douche
A trip to the water park can be an incredibly fun and rewarding activity. They are a great place to make memories. Especially if that memory includes a visit to the emergency room for a condition with the word “douche” in it. Every year women are sent to the hospital when a rush of water from water skiing or taking part in a water slide rushes into their vagina and blows the sucker out. It’s called “water ski douche” Ask yourself how much your girlfriend’s vagina means to you. Now ask yourself how much that water skiing trip means to you. Yeah, thought so.
Flamin’ Hot Cheetos Cause Emergencies
When Flamin’ Hot Cheetos were released into the wild, the entire world was shaken to it’s core. Never before had such cheesy deliciousness been forged with such sultry spice. They are also bright red… which makes bright red poops. These bright red poops scared the hell out of parents everywhere. Thinking their child’s stool was bloody, they took their precious babies to the emergency room. Maybe make your kid eat an apple instead of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos next time.
I Must Break You.. OH SHIT, ARE YOU OKAY?
There are forces on this planet that you know can have deadly results. A volcanic eruption is devastating. Earthquakes can raise hell. OH and the power behind a Dolph Lundgren punch can really be dangerous. On the set of the movie that I base my entire existence on–“Rocky IV,” Dolph Lundgren accidentally punched Stallone so hard, that the champ ended up in the ER. The effects of the punch were so severe, Doctors compared the injury to being hit by a car.
Check out Andy Green every Monday on 101 WRIF’s Dave and Chuck The Freak!
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