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8 awesome ways for guys to beat the heat this summer

By 07.22.11

Ways to Beat Heat Summer

J.S. Nawati, Flickr

Summer is a time for outdoor drinking, grilling meat and getting a nice tan, but sometimes the heat just gets unbearable and you need a way to kick the sun where it don’t shine. We’re adults now (technically) and so we have the means to find some fun and unique ways to cool down when the dog days of summer start to make you go a little crazy. All you need is a little inspiration to have some fun when the temperature starts to hover around triple digits. Here are a few ideas I’ve encountered over the years.

Photo credit: J.S. Nawati, Flickr

8 Tubing down the river
If you live anywhere near a river, you can either look up a place that will rents out inner tubes (remember to get one for your cooler) or just bring your own. If you don’t find a place on the river that specifically caters to this activity you’re gonna want to have someone waiting in a truck down the river who will be able to transport you and your tubes back to where you parked up the river. Otherwise you’re gonna have a long walk back to the car. Nothing is more relaxing that lazily floating down the river on a Sunday afternoon and catching up with a few friends — especially since nobody has a phone to distract them. Just lazy drinking fun with no distractions…except for sharks. Just kidding. You’re much more likely to get eaten by alligators on a river.

7 Rent a snow making machine
Obviously this is gonna take a little more scratch than some of the other options, but if you have the means, it is well worth it. It will probably set you back anywhere from a few hundred to a few grand depending on your scale, and sometimes heat and humidity play a factor into what kind and how much snow you get. But still, you should be able to get enough snow to cover a yard and that means snowmen, snowball fights and possibly even some sledding in your swimsuit or bikini. Yeah it’s expensive and you may need to get quite a crowd to pitch in to rent it, but you really think anyone is going to miss a July 4th Snowmageddon party? I’ve seen it and it’s not only awesome, it’s completely unexpected and you will go down as a legendary party thrower.

6 Water parks
Yeah, you may not be a kid anymore, but you can still have a little bit of fun at the water park. Especially if you live close enough to go to one of those epic water parks that have the gigantic water slides and a decent sized wave pool. Some of the newer water slides are way too dangerous and fun for just children to enjoy. Sure, there will be kids and there will be lines, but there is still a part of you that enjoys the hell out of water slides. Men just never completely grow up and that’s what makes us awesome.

5 Get an ice liquor luge
You have to go get a few full blocks of these specially made for your party and so it takes a bit of planning. It’s not going to melt for a few hours but you need a way to transport it because a few hundred pounds of ice doesn’t just fit in your trunk and even if it did, it would leave you with some water damage. Set that baby up on a study table near a hill (make sure it can hold the weight or you will have serious problems) and pour away. Of course it’s best if you water down your liquor with some sort of mix because you will have people wanting to take a shot a minute and in 20 minutes they’ll have alcohol poisoning. After everyone is properly inebriated, you are going to want to take the luge off the table and put some towels on top. Then it’s time for some good old fashion ice block racing down the hill. Injuries rates for something like this are almost 80%, so keep that in mind when participating.

4 Upgrade your hammock experience
After a long day at the office or the day after a night out, nothing is better for than a little rest on the hammock. If you want to get fancy, you can grab some PVC pipes and punch tiny holes in them and hook them up to your hose. Place the pipes above you for a redneck mist machine. Add a pillow filled with a couple of ice packs and you can lounge around and get a tan while sleeping off that hangover. It’s a win/win.

3 Pool party
I know, your all thinking, “Thanks Capt. Obvious.” Obviously not everyone has a pool, but most people have some sort of access to a pool. You gotta do it up right though. You’ll need a cooler full of beer, a frozen margarita maker, go to Toys R Us and grab a few of those badass Super Soakers, a slip and slide, a couple of those toy water guns, a bag of water balloons, some Tiki Torches, some summer tunes on the stereo and of course, a grill. You can also make some beer popsicles (hole in the bottom of can, put in stick, freeze and cut the top off) or a vodka watermelon (look it up, it’s awesome). Don’t just throw a boring party, turn it into an epic water fight. *Coincidentally a party like this almost got me tossed out of college, so be ready for people to slip and fall and hide anything expensive that isn’t waterproof. *

2 Build a mud wrestling pit
Every year one of the fraternities at my college would have a mud wrestling tournament. And it was pretty awesome. Obviously you have to find a place with fairly soft dirt (I say this only because I live where the dirt is mixed with clay) where you can take a few shovels and dig a small pit. You’re going to need the pit to be close enough to reach with a hose because you’re gonna need to be able to hose down the pit after every match and of course you’ll need it to hose down some of your competitors. Also, you can grab a few bags of ice and pour some of it in the pit to keep everything cold if you want to be fancy. Did I mention that there were sorority women competing in a tournament? Yes, a few hours of ladies wrestling in the mud and then getting hosed down after ever match. How about a no holds barred Royal Rumble at the end of the day? Then you refill the pit, grab some sod and fertilizer and the backyard is back to…well it’s probably going to ruin your lawn. Well worth it my friend.

1 Ice a bro
You looked at it dude! If you’re reading this then I just iced you, bro! I don’t care if you are at the library, at work or reading this on your iPod while driving down the road, you need to drink the next Smirnoff Ice you come across. It’s the rules, bro! I expect you to abide by them. Pics or it didn’t happen! [Ed. Note: We know this is so 2010, but really, it still works, even if it is passé now. Mixing tasty alcohol and the summer heat never really does go out of fashion.]

About Shawn Norris... Shawn Norris used to write things for National Lampoon and the now-defunct Blue Monkey Disco Party as "Douche Larue." Now he spends most of his time writing jokes, scripts, and trying to find a literary agent that will return his calls. Even though he wasn’t born yet, he often takes credit for faking the moon landing. Also, he’s allergic to tequila -- it makes him breakout in felonies.
TAGSArbitrary RankingsBeat the heatfeaturedGuyism LibraryHammocksHow to stay coolIce a broice liquor lugeListsMud wrestlingPool partysnow making machinesummer entertainmentsummer funSurviving SummerThe LibraryTubing down the riverVideoWater parksWays to stay cool

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