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9 things every guy should always have in his wallet

By / 02.26.11

Things Guys Should Have in Wallet

Arielny2011, <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/69492474@N02/7826634304/sizes/z/in/photostream/" target="_blank">Flickr</a>



Men can’t carry purses. Let me rephrase that — Men can’t carry purses without (a) wearing a dress (b) being relentlessly mocked by friends and co-workers (c) losing a bet (d) all of the above.

Women have it easy because depending on the purse, they could carry a watermelon around and no one would notice. But men need to fit everything we need into a neat and compact pouch of leather. We have to plan ahead to make sure we have everything we need for the day securely tucked into our Velcro Superman Wallet. And here are a few of the things you and Superman need to have on you at all times.

Photo credit: Arielny2011, Flickr

9 $20 cash
For the most part, everybody needs to have a certain amount of money in their wallet at all times, regardless of social status. Some people would need more than a Jackson in their wallet, but for most of us a quick twenty will suffice in most situations. Almost all businesses take debit/credit cards now, but every once in awhile you’ll run into a situation where cash is needed. Maybe you go to a bar that doesn’t take credit, or you overdraw on your bank card because you forgot to cash a paycheck and you need money for cab fare home. Or maybe you just need to grease the palm of a bouncer to get into a bar or that of a Juarez police officer to get out of a bunch of bars. It’s just good to have a bit of liquidity at all times. It’s comforting to know that you always have a bit of cash stashed in the wallet for unforeseen situations.

8 Photo ID
I mean, everyone reading this probably has some sort of identification on them. Some of you may have more than one type. Some of you, for example, may have an ID that says you are 20 and enrolled in college for getting student discount purposes. Some may have ID that says you are 65 so you can try and get your senior citizen discount. Others have ID that says you’re from Canada when you’re actually from the United States, so when you travel around the world people won’t immediately hate you. And still others of you that are 18 have an ID that says your 25 and you live in Yuma — for beer buying or gambling purposes. Pick and choose which ID works for you at your own discretion.

7 The business card of an lawyer
Sh*t happens. And for a lot of us it happens quite frequently. For the most part, that is what that spare $20 in your wallet is for. A few bucks exchanges hands and all is forgiven. However, there are some situations that will call for more drastic measures. There are auto accidents, egregious wrongdoings, and situations far beyond your control that call for legal representations. Unless you yourself are a lawyer, it’s always good to have the number of someone you can call when things escalate over your legal comprehension. Otherwise, well, let’s just hope you look good in an orange jumpsuit.

6 A condom
If you are a red-blooded male, you probably already have a condom stashed away somewhere in your wallet. For Mrs. Right, you will need to sink a few months worth of paychecks to put a ring on her finger. For Ms. Right-Now, you need to invest a few dollars to make sure you don’t get yourself into any paternity suits. Does that sound crude, ladies? Well, we both want to do this without getting anyone knocked-up. So gentleman, be a gentleman, and always be ready when your drunken charm somehow manages to allow you to go home with a young lady (for some reason unbeknownst to you) that would like to know you in the Biblical sense.

5 Credit card
Credit cards can get you into a lot of trouble financially. This isn’t to say you absolutely need to have one in your wallet to buy that “wicked talking parrot” you saw at the pet store, but having a VISA could come in handy when you are in dire straights. Sometimes situations arise that you have no control over and may need more cash than you currently have at your disposal to amend. This is the real reason that credit cards are around. Not because you absolutely, positively, have to go see Phish at the Hollywood Bowl.

4 Matches
Either a pack of them or one or two strike anywhere matches will do. It’s another one of those worst case scenario type of things. You never know when you are going to need to strike up (I know, I punched myself for making that pun) a conversation with a young lady who is smoking or maybe you get lost in the desert or the woods and you need to start a fire in order to stay alive. A lot of us aren’t boy scouts, so keep some fire close because you just never know when you’ll need it.

3 The phone number of someone to bail you out of jail
Yeah, you probably know the number of your best friend or your (ex) girlfriend by heart and could recite it backwards and forwards right now. But let’s say you’ve accidentally drank 20 Jager bombs, or maybe you accidentally took a few ecstasy pills to impress that girl in the Rainbow Bright t-shirt that you always see in the elevator at your apartment building. And let’s say that the police found you covered in vomit, sans pants and petting a stray dog in an alley in downtown Los Angeles. Can you remember that number now? That’s why you always write it down and keep it in your wallet. I don’t care what that dog says, your buddies number is not 867-5309. Talking dogs always have a tendency to lie. ALWAYS!

2 Something to write with
Sure, in today’s world of cell phones and GPS systems, it seems a bit archaic to carry a pencil around, but like everyone that you love, electronics will die at some point. So if you need to jot something down quickly, it’s good to have some sort of writing utensil at your disposal. I recommend keeping a golf pencil in your wallet. It’s small, it won’t run out of ink and you can easily transcribe anything you need to on the back of that Denny’s receipt. You never know when your cell phone is going to die, so you should always be able to take down a number or an address the old fashioned way.

1 Spare key
This is a tricky one seeing as if you lose your wallet and someone finds it, they could just use your ID to find your house and go steal all of your stuff. But it’s usually a good idea to at least keep a spare car key in your wallet in case you accidentally lock your keys and your baby inside at the same time. It happens to all of us at some point in time (the key locking thing, not necessarily the baby) and it can be extremely frustrating. A better option would be keep a spare car key in your wallet and a spare house key hidden in your car. That way you can alleviate some of the worry about losing your wallet and all of your electronics in the same day.

Any other suggestions? Leave them in the comments below.


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About Shawn Norris... Shawn Norris used to write things for National Lampoon and the now-defunct Blue Monkey Disco Party as "Douche Larue." Now he spends most of his time writing jokes, scripts, and trying to find a literary agent that will return his calls. Even though he wasn’t born yet, he often takes credit for faking the moon landing. Also, he’s allergic to tequila -- it makes him breakout in felonies.

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