The 90’s were a great time. Michael Jordan was still feasting on hapless defenders, treating the Detlef Schrempf’s of the world like they were Detlef Shrimp Cocktails. William Jefferson Clinton was preparing to sign a bill into law that decreed that blowjobs replace the National Anthem. And finally, people walked around dressed in the absolute most ill-fitting, and retina flogging pieces of clothing. Forget Jesus, people back then were asking, “What would Dwayne Wayne wear?” Like fedoras from the 50’s, and heroin shooting black jeans from the late 80’s, everything makes a comeback. Here are nine pieces of clothing from the 1990’s that are bound to pop back up like everyone’s favorite love blister.
Photo credit: Puka Shells Image by Shutterstock
9 Slap Bracelets
Even friendless, booger excavators wore slap bracelets. This was before wrist accompaniment explained how many sexual encounters you had in your Podunk town. Just think, Wayne Brady could be the celebrity spokesman. “Does Wayne Brady have to slap bracelet a bitch?!”
8 Cross Colour Jeans
Here’s how you knew if you were really doing it big in the 1990’s; your Cross Colour pants matched the color of the Now and Laters in your pocket. Paired with a trusty pair of Timberland boots and you suddenly looked like the gay member of the Wu Tang Clan, Gzm.
7 Puka Shells
The 90’s were a time for body modification that didn’t involve stretching your earlobes until they looked like fleshy glory holes. Instead, people got “crazy” with their neckwear. Folks proudly wore their puka shells like they were gearing up for some type of tribal war pitting the cargo short clad Abercrombies versus the tattered hatted Fitch’s. My girlfriend once asked me to give her a pearl necklace, I gave her puka shells instead. I still regret that to this day.
Hip-hop culture is weird. How a staple of a farmer’s wardrobe entered the boom bap lexicon is a mystery to me. But of course it couldn’t be “hip hop,” without rocking them with one strap undone. Everyone who ever gave into the overall fad looked like they were toddlers who were about to do the pee pee dance.
5 Parental Advisory Hats and T’s
I’m fairly certain that when C. Delores Tucker and Tipper Gore were ensuring that explicit music was labeled just that, they never thought that the Parental Advisory symbol would go on to define a generation.
Who ever had the bright idea to invent the Mambosok, the glorified sperm swimmer of headwear, needs to be severally chastised. It was the Snuggie of the 1990’s, only the joke was on all of us. I’ve always found myself on the side of the fence that was against any instrument or piece of clothing that supported white guys growing dreadlocks.
Hypercolor was the universal uniform for sports camps. You’d see countless porkers wheezing by the watercooler, the crop circles of sweat underneath their pits turning the color of the Kool-Aid man. If you can actually believe it, the term “blow job” was used by Hypercolor brass as a slogan urging teens to experiment with Hypercolor technology using only their mouths.
2 Taz and Bugs T’s
The 90’s were a time when a certain twosome, Mack Daddy and Daddy Mack, were telling us to “Jump.” If you didn’t wear your clothes backwards at least once… you’re lying. But 2D creations weren’t exempt from this utterly ridiculous fad either. I attribute the sheer number of people wearing the Taz and Bugs t-shirt to the fact that it was the door prize at every single carnival across the country. Win a pie-eating contest? Have a t-shirt! Successfully count the number of pickled pig feat in a jar? Have another t-shirt! Because we all know… inside out is wiggida wiggida whack!
1 Monica Lewinsky’s Blue Dress
Ah, that fateful dress. Ol’ blue. It was the smoking gun that would stain Bill Clinton’s presidency like he had “permanently decorated” Monica’s blue dress. It’s a real shame that Monica’s ensemble didn’t come to define her in a positive way like Marilyn Monroe’s white number in The Seven Year Itch. But I guess the world wasn’t ready for a piece of clothing that came with pre-loaded DNA.
But in today’s world, we’re ready! I can already hear the keystrokes “Monica Lewinsky’s blue dress” going into Etsy.
I want more like this!
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