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8 ways to assure you’ll fail a sobriety test

By 07.30.11

Ways Fail Field Sobriety Test

OregonDOT, Flickr

Summer means outdoor drinking and long hours of public drinking. A lot of you reading this may go to a beer or wine festival or a concert outside during the day where you will be consuming a large quantity of alcohol. This can sometimes be good for you and bad for the people around you. If you get too sloppy out in public, you are bound to see some law enforcement. This probably means having to take a field sobriety test to see if you are getting a ticket for public intoxication or worse, a drunk and disorderly charge. If you find yourself in this situation, it may be best to make it a point not to do any of the following things. Because if you do, you are definitely going to get a free ride downtown. Trust me…

Photo credit: OregonDOT, Flickr

8 Fall over while walking the line
Usually this test is the best barometer of just what kind of shape your motor skills are in. Unfortunately for you that means heel to toe all the way down the line until the cops says to stop or the line magically disappears. That could be anywhere from five steps to zero steps depending on how many Jager bombs you’ve consumed that night. Stumbling along like an epileptic in an earthquake or simply falling over after a few steps is surely going to get you nabbed. So keep it together and really focus on heel to toes because if you fall down, over or try and moonwalk, you will be wearing handcuffs in the not to distant future.

7 Use numbers when reciting the alphabet backwards
Sometimes cops will ask you to recite the alphabet backwards to test your reasoning skills if you have the blank look of someone that is completely discombobulated. It’s best to keep numbers out of this equation if you don’t want to end up in jail. “Z, Y, X, U, V, W, R S, 6, U, V, LMNOP, 4” is not the correct answer when asked to say the alphabet backwards. Save the numbers for when you are in the drunk tank trying to add up how much a ticket for public intoxication is going to effect your beer buying budget for the month.

6 Trying to touch someone else’s nose when asked to touch yours
Remember, it’s your nose you are supposed to touch, not the nose of the officer administering the test. “Lean back, put one leg up and touch your nose with your fingers like this. OK, and back down and now with your other hand. Sir, what do you think your doing? Sir, that is my nose. No you don’t have it. Give it back! That’s it a**hole, I’m confiscating my nose, this bottle of Jack and you are going to jail for public intoxication and petty theft.. You’re lucky stealing someone’s nose is still only a misdemeanor in this state.”

5 Naming names of people who weren’t presidents when asked to name the last five presidents
Sometimes cops will throw you a softball question just to get an idea of exactly how impaired your alcohol fueled brain is at a point in time. One of the questions they will ask is for you to name the last five presidents in order moving backwards from right now. The correct answer is not “Obama, Bush, Nixon and Aquaman.” No matter how much you want it to be true, this is not the right answer. You see this is a trick. It’s supposed to make sure you can count and you still have a semblance of past events. You only named four people in your answer and that’s a red flag for the boys in blue. You have failed yourself, this officer of the law and Aquaman. You should be ashamed of yourself.

4 Ask the officer if they want a drink
The last resort of a desperate man. If you are in a bar it’s probably the last thing that could possibly get you out of trouble. More than likely it’s a last act of contrition that may make an officer feel pity for your drunken behind and not take you downtown. Chances are the officer won’t be able to drink because they are on duty, but it also shows that you are probably harmless and just need to get home and sleep off some of the booze in your brain. Unless you’re in a car and ask the officer if they’d like a drink.

3 Arguing that you aren’t drunk
It’s usually a person’s last resort, but if you have to explain that you aren’t drunk, it probably means that you are. Think about it, if you’re a normal individual with a normal equilibrium, there is a good chance that nobody just walks up to you out of the blue and asks you if you’re drunk. That’s not an accident. When people start asking you if you need to sit down or need a glass of water, you are acting differently than you regularly would. The more that you argue that you aren’t drunk, the drunker you probably are. So if you find yourself standing somewhere, leaning up against a wall somewhere or lying face down in a field somewhere, arguing with a cop that you aren’t drunk, you are in for some trouble. Don’t argue, just ask what you need to do to not go to jail and be on your way.

2 Try to play the breathalyzer like a kazoo
A breathalyzer is not a musical instrument. I repeat, the breathalyzer in not a musical instrument. No matter how badly you have the urge to play Uptown Girl, when it gets pushed into your mouth, you should refrain from playing it for your own sake. Because everyone knows that breathalyzers (a) don’t get good acoustics unless you are using them in a tunnel and (b) if the cop is not a Billy Joel fan, you are just pissing him/her off. Save the one-man show for the prison yard Yanni.

1 Throwing up
Nothing says I have had waaaaaay too much to drink and I need to go home more than puking in a public forum. There is nothing as heartbreaking or disgusting as seeing someone leaned over a garbage can in the parking lot of a concert just losing the 18 bottles of Bud Light they drank today. Vomiting after drinking is the universal sign for “I have no business being in public when I’m this drunk.” If you puke in front of an officer, you are officially out of options. If you puke on a cop’s shoes, you are officially under arrest. So whatever you do, do not let Smokey see you lose your lunch. Otherwise you’ll end up having lunch in county lockup sometime real soon.

About Shawn Norris... Shawn Norris used to write things for National Lampoon and the now-defunct Blue Monkey Disco Party as "Douche Larue." Now he spends most of his time writing jokes, scripts, and trying to find a literary agent that will return his calls. Even though he wasn’t born yet, he often takes credit for faking the moon landing. Also, he’s allergic to tequila -- it makes him breakout in felonies.
TAGSArbitrary RankingsbreathalyzerDrunkDrunk drivingDUI testsDWI testsFailfeaturedField sobriety testingListssobriety testThrowing upWays to fail a sobriety test

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