There are a lot of opinions out there about what women find most important. But some of them are a disservice to womankind. Here are eight things that not all women care about (even though you may think they do).
Photo credit: miggslives, Flickr
8 Romantic comedies
Rom Coms are stupid. I really don’t know what else to say. I’ve written better screenplays when I was drunk on cosmos after watching the box set of Sex in the City. True, sometimes I’d rather watch a flick about a couple attempting to maintain a long-distance relationship than Apocalypse Now, as my boyfriend keeps insisting (I know I’ll love it, I just don’t feel like being disgusted at the world right now… or thinking about Vietnam). However, if you think anything starring Jennifer Anniston is going to win my heart, you’ve got a thing or two to learn.
I was definitely one of those girls who never wanted flowers. I thought they were stereotypical, and the fact that they are beautiful and tend to too-quickly die was reminiscent of many of my relationships. The first time a guy brought them to my door? Swoon. When I thought about flowers before, I was thinking roses, but they’re cliché, gaudy, and they seriously smell like a funeral home. Grab an orchid or some lilies to make your girl’s day.
If she’s not being sarcastic or referencing a Marilyn Monroe film, any chick that says, “Diamonds are a girl’s best friend,” is kind of an idiot. Diamonds are rocks — they’re shiny stones. They’re cheesy and outdated and, in this current state of world affairs, are reminiscent of missing-limbed children in Sierra Leone. Yes, too many ladies I’ve talked with care about having a big rock, but don’t stress about your minimum wage paycheck — there are plenty of women who really couldn’t give two shits about diamonds.
5 Having a huge girth
Was it Ron Jeremy that perpetuated the myth that huge penises instantaneously bring about orgasms? If so, shenanigans should be called upon him. Let me be frank: Huge cocks are overrated. They’re intimidating, and they have the potential to maybe make my internal organs collapse. I’m not sure if I’m a huge believer in, “It’s not the size of the wave — it’s the motion of the ocean,” but boys, if you’re average, and you watch good porn, you’re all set.
4 Lasting hours in bed
I love amazing, long-lasting sex as much as the next person (I’ve been with some pretty rad dudes, a-thank-you). But I really don’t feel like being a statistic in a Viagra cautionary commercial. If your erection is lasting for more than a couple of hours, stop thinking about baseball or Thanksgiving dinner with your grandma. I want you to get off. I mean, get me off first, that’s cool. But multiple orgasms can be exhausting. I’ve had a long day. Me, and my certain body part, we’re kinda worn out. Let’s save it for a marathon run tomorrow. Okay?
3 Washboard abs
So when I first moved to New York, I went through a dark time filled with hours of watching the new 90210. A few thoughts that consumed me: 1) Wow! Great acting skills, guys! and 2) These dudes must only eat butter and protein shakes and get waxed on a regular basis. Sick. Don’t stress about having a perfectly chiseled stomach. Yes, a healthy-looking body is nice, but most ladies’ expectations aren’t for you to look like Brad Pitt in Fight Club. That might make me think you’d spend more time in the gym and counting your calories than with me.
Gentlemen, yes I love babies. I want to pick them all up and coddle them. Most every mortal soul does. The honest to God truth is that nowadays, reproducing is really, really, not on the forefront of every woman’s mind. They’re loud. They’re expensive. They totally mess up my hot body. Let’s talk about how awesome our offspring will be when we’re really messed up on tequila in your friend’s hot tub and leave it at that.
1 Finding a rich man
Alright, alright. Money doesn’t hurt. One. Single. Bit. Fun dates! Amazing vacations! Oh-my-god, you bought me that cute dress I’ve been eyeing? You shouldn’t have! But for real, if you’re a major dick, screw your bank account. I’ve had guys try to woo me with vacations to Nantucket and rides in their yellow Lamborghinis. Of course, their creepiness and my wariness of ending up in a meat locker outweighed my longing to up my I’m-a-starving-writer status. Rather than the quantity of your income, I care more about your quality: If you love your job, if you have a real passion for what you’re doing — and you’re not sleeping on your mom’s couch (and having a huge cock… just kidding!) — that’s sexy.
I want more like this!
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