Everyone in our society is so focused on meeting the right person, finding your soul mate, and giving a love testimonial on the e-Harmony commercials. But what about the people who never want to date or find true love? The spinsters, the hermits, and the men who will eventually be profiled on To Catch a Predator? Well finally, there’s a guide for them on how to remain single, alone, and satisfied for the rest of their lives.
Photo credit: Beau Giles, Flickr
7 Buy weird pets
Anyone with a heart can love a dog and most people will tolerate a cat. But no one wants to date someone who has a bunch of wild prairie dogs burrowed in the couch or an ant farm living unrestrained in their bathtub. All of those options still leave you feeling like someone with with a weird insect fetish can fall in love with you? No fear, step the crazy pets purchase up a notch by buying something truly dangerous like a rattlesnake or crocodile.
6 Have a fake accent
Introducing yourself to someone with a phony accent can come off as funny at first. Continuing to yell “oui, oui” in a butchered French accent all night will drive potential love interests away in droves. The key to the fake accent is to make sure it truly comes off as fake and as obnoxious as possible by repeating token phrases (i.e if you’re going with German just keep saying sauerkraut and gesundheit on repeat). After all, the last thing you want is a woman with a thing for Spanish men fall more in love with you each time you say Hola.
5 Use pick-up lines
Use whatever resources you need from outdated search engines to your creepy uncle to find the most cliche pick-up lines out there. People will de-swoon when you approach them with “are you from Tennessee, because you’re the only ten I see.” Make sure you’re in the clear for going home alone by using several different pick-up lines on the same person. If she starts backing away by the Tennessee line then she’ll be running for the door by the time you get to “Is your father in jail for stealing the stars and putting them in your eyes?”
4 Use out-dated references
Make yourself seem inaccessibly and unattractively eccentric by throwing in out-dated references into your conversations. Nothing says leave me alone like someone who interjects “talking about inappropriate, can we discuss this Monica Lewinsky thing” into small talk about the past weekend. It’s absolutely essential you be at least ten years behind the time so feel free to throw in any Austin Powers shagging references.
3 Never go out
While this one seems like a no-brainer, you would be shocked by how many wannabe-singles spend their weekend nights out on the town. If you’re not working or running errands, than you should be home alone on your couch wrapped in a Snuggie watching Food Network reruns. Take advantage of restaurants that deliver, jobs that let you telecommute, and homes next to unfriendly neighbors.
2 Don’t follow the rules
Make people feel extremely uncomfortable by doing what you want, wherever you want. Done with your food at the restaurant? Drop the plate on the floor. Have to pee but don’t feel like waiting in line? Just pull down your pants and go. Stop doing what society tells you, be an individual, and break some laws. However don’t break too many laws, the last thing you need is the pressure to be in a prison relationship.
1 Get a stupid tattoo
This is a last ditch effort to make sure that you don’t have sex. Because everyone knows that sex is going to lead to phone calls, Facebook friend requests, and pleas for Plan B money. Get a heinous, offensive, and/or infected tattoo someplace hidden on your body, preferably your butt. Nothing says I’m not looking for a relationship like a “thank you for coming” tattoo that stretches from cheek to cheek.
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