Everyone and their great-grandmother is on Facebook these days, celebrities are tweet-fighting with their children, and normal people can’t seem to stop broadcasting every trivial detail about their lives. Things that never should be told to anybody are now online for anyone to Google and find. No matter how many social networks you belong to or how often you update your favorite movies on Facebook, there are seven things that you should never share on your social media.
Photo credit: Joi, Flickr
7 A break-up
@babyhunnyxo69 it’s not u, it’s me, 2 sum it up, I’m seeing some1 else.
Breaking up with your girlfriend via a tweet makes breaking up with a woman on her voice mail look chivalrous. It’s one thing to want to keep it short and undramatic, it’s another thing to say it in under 140 characters. If you can’t bear the thought of telling her to her face, try IM-ing her. Nothing says I’m sorry like a sad smiley face followed up by a kissy face.
6 Pregnancy scares
Erica is late…cross your fingers I’m not preggers.
Considering Facebook doesn’t have a pregnancy test feature yet, it’s wildly inappropriate to broadcast this online. Your one line sentence will send all your female friends into a panic as they contemplate if their nausea this morning was more than just a hangover. And the worst part is that all your recent hook-ups will have a full-on heart attack — which will ironically let them completely off the hook for child support.
5 Tragic situations
Join the “Pray Robert survives his suicide attempt” Facebook group.
Signing onto Facebook for the sole purpose of poking your crush takes a dark turn when you’re invited to join a deeply upsetting group. This is no “Austin blacked out, lost his phone, needs your digits” Facebook group. It’s basically a casual way for a priest to eventually draft a eulogy using Facebook wall posts. Instead of creating a Facebook group that places your friend’s sickness on the same level as a Farmville invite, try making an old-fashioned phone call.
4 Daily schedule
Crystal is waking up too early (ugh) to go to the gym, then shower, then work, then lunch, then more work, then home, then new episode of Jersey Shore!
Unless your schedule involves something out of the ordinary (shower, work, hook-up with Michelle Obama), no one cares. Sure everyone is super happy that you can function like a normal human being, but no one is going to give you gold stars for managing to complete basic human functions. So unless you would like to openly invite a stalker into your life, quit letting everyone know your second to millisecond schedule.
3 Bodily functions
Brendan regrets drinking that keg of coffee yesterday, can’t move more than 5 feet from this toilet.
Unless your doctor writes prescriptions based on your Twitter updates, there is no need for this level of over-sharing. No one wants to hear when you have the Pepto Bismol rundown (cue the music: heartburn, nausea, indigestion, diarrhea). Not to mention you lose huge “I’m so sick” credibility when you’re clearly well enough to type a coherent sentence on Twitter.
2 Level of drunkery
Alissa is cracking up that she blacked out at her company holiday party
This would be a wildly cool status if we were still in high school and people still drew penises on your forehead when you were drunk. But, unfortunately you’re an adult now and the people around you expect you to be able to drink without ending the night riding in an ambulance. Have some respect for yourself and use your status to draw attention away from yourself and onto someone else’s drunken behavior.
1 Messages to celebs/athletes/musicians
Sam says shame on you Jon Gosselin.
Unless you’re one of Kate Gosselin’s 29 children, it’s highly unlikely she’s reading your Facebook status. In fact, there’s a pretty strong likelihood that she has no idea that you even exist. Instead save your knack for online lecturing to make your friends feel bad about themselves. Nothing makes people engage in a little self reflection like a “Laura, you were a massive bitch last night” status.
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