Have you ever been out on a date with a woman and gotten the feeling she’s not listening to anything you’re saying? Trust me, she’s trying very hard to focus on the words coming out of your mouth. However she’s much more preoccupied by all the thoughts running through her head. She’s ten steps ahead of you and will most likely spend the entire date trying to predict the answers to the following questions.
Photo credit: spaceodissey, Flickr
7 Who will pay the bill?
Women start stressing about this as soon as you both sit down at the table. Will you be offended if she doesn’t offer to pay (ungrateful bitch!) or will you be offended if she does do the slow-motion “let me get my wallet” move? Put her fears to rest by telling her to order anything she wants (on or off the dollar menu) because this meal is on you.
6 What happens next?
Everything is going super great on the date and you’re happy that J-Date finally pulled through for you. However, she’s debating if you expect to come home with her or if you think she’s a giant slut for even thinking that. Make your intentions clear from the outset by subtly sliding a handful of condoms across the table and mouthing “later.”
5 Do I actually like him?
You’re funny, charming, and good-looking in the candle light. As you tell another hilarious story about the time you set you set a pledge on fire in college, she’s trying to decide if she wants to date you. Solve this problem by making her fall in love with you immediately. Instant love can generally be created by making sure she has endless drink refills.
4 Am I making sense?
As she rambles on about co-worker drama and its relationship to problems with her mother, she’s simultaneously asking herself what the fuck she is talking about. She wants to make a good impression — and in an attempt to do so continually finds herself telling stories with no end. Save her the embarrassment by constantly interrupting with your own semi-related stories.
3 What is he looking for?
Whether you went on this date looking for a girlfriend or looking for a one-night stand, you know exactly what you want. Now she’s attempting to interpret what you want by over analyzing everything you say. Stop making her read between the lines by spelling it out for her — “my friends dared my $100 to ask you on a date, after this I will never see you again.”
2 What will my friends think?
Women get off on judging each other, especially their very own friends. Even if she is falling madly in love with you, she’s still thinking about what her friends will say. Assure her that her friends will love you by being extra-good-looking, extra-funny, extra-nice, and extra-rich. It’s truly that easy!
1 Do I still look okay?
She left her house with perfectly straight hair and smudge-free make-up. However you’re now halfway done with your ribs dinner and she’s stressing about what’s in her teeth and how to get that lump of sauce out of her hair without you noticing. Make her feel more comfortable by smearing sauce all over yourself to the point that you’re asked to leave the restaurant for lewd and indecent behavior.
I want more like this!
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