Considering that I’m only real-life friends with about a ninth of my Facebook friends, I spend a lot of time getting to know my Facebook friends based solely on their profile choices.
Uploading albums with names like Fall 2009 show me that you’re boring, while inviting me to join you on Farmville shows me that you’re currently single. But there is nothing more telling than the pictures people choose to use for their profile. This is often the one thing that shows up when people search for you so you pick the picture that best describes you. After all, how else will people know that you got really hot, really skinny… or even really straight teeth after you removed your adult braces.
However, there are 7 profile pictures that cause me to immediately defriend you — even if we did play doctor in the first grade.
Photo credit: moria, Flickr
We all have the black and white setting on our camera but that doesn’t mean we use it. I want to know what you look like face-on, not what you looks like in the shadows of a broken mirror. Take off the black nail polish, turn off the Dashboard Confessional, and try taking a picture of yourself smiling or in color. Don’t try both of those at once though, I wouldn’t want you to appear too happy.
I’m sorry, did you get Facebook confused with a modeling agency submission? Or perhaps you were just hoping your flawless skin posed “naturally” in front of a fake ocean backdrop would be confused for a candid shot. Not only is the headshot clearly photoshopped but your frighteningly piercing eyes cause me to feel like you’re staring at me through the computer screen. And the last thing I need to feel like when I’m Facebook stalking is like a stalker.
It’s hard not to be somewhat cute as a little kid. However that was 1979 and this is 2009, I don’t care what you looked like back then, I want to see if you would still look as cute in that Halloween sailor costume now. When you choose a profile picture taken over 20 years ago I can only assume that your looks peaked then and now walk around with a paper bag over your head.
4 Your Baby
Every time someone friends me with a newborn as their profile, I freak out that at some point I got so drunk I actually befriended a baby at the bar the night before (albeit a very technologically inclined baby). Sure your kid’s cute and every birth is a miracle but that doesn’t mean I want to sign on and see that your baby wrote on my wall or your baby tagged me in a photo. 18 years down the road, then we can talk about your baby poking me.
3 With a Celeb
Brag a little more. We’ve all seen our fair share of celebrities, but don’t feel the need to jump in a picture and put it on Facebook for all to see. Try a little modesty and slip it into an album instead. I’ll applaud you for your class and then give you the requisite photo comment “omg so jeal you saw him!”
2 Couple Kissing Shot
The last thing I need to do when I sign on to Facebook is to vomit all over my keyboard. You’ve made it abundantly clear through your relationship status, “in love” statuses, and over 400 couple albums that you are crazy and madly in love. There’s such a thing as over kill and putting that profile shot of you making out and dry humping on the beach is the definition of that. If I wanted softcore porn I would have logged into Myspace.
1 Company Promotion
Facebook is my procrastination tool, not my Rolodex. I don’t want to go to stalk you and discover that you’ve gone from being my scrawny next door neighbor to looking like a logo. That’s great you have a promising professional life now but hiding behind your company’s golf fund raising flyer makes me think something went horribly wrong with your looks. Not only that, I think the success rate for people who see the fundraiser announcements and then attend it are between 0 and 0 percent.
I want more like this!
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