Screw waiting until the dead of winter to make resolutions. The beginning of autumn is the prime time to make some changes and become a better person. You’re re-energized from summer — or at least got a sufficient fill of vitamin D to temporarily boost your optimism — and, for those who apply, a new school year means a new schedule, new professors, and (hopefully) not staring at the back of the same people’s heads every hour. Want to become a changed man (or woman, ahem)? Take these tips and use them.
Photo credit: jmoreland, Flickr
5 Ditch your khaki cargo shorts
Calm down before you leave a bitchy comment defending your stupid khaki cargo shorts you wore at every Dave Matthews concert (and that your mom probably got you at Kohl’s when you were a sophomore in high school). Just clean out your disgusting closet. Throw out stuff that doesn’t fit, that’s falling apart, or simply things you haven’t worn in the past year. You’ll feel lighter, and maybe you’ll realize your wardrobe truly did come together by your mother when you were a pre-teen. In that case, start investing in nice things you’ll wear for the next five years, like classic dark-wash blue jeans.
4 Work the f-ck out already
The freshmen 15. The obesity epidemic. Endorphins make you happy. You’ve heard countless reasons why you need to stop making excuses you whiny, French-fry eating sloth and run a mile or take up Pilates or something. But the true reason you should give a damn about putting in gym time? It’s selfish, yet it’s socially acceptable (even praised!). Other than jerking off, working out is one of the only times in your life where you’re doing something for yourself only. Make it a habit now, and you’ll cherish it in the “get-me-the-hell-out-of-this-house-and-away-from-these kids” future. Oh, and remember that the average person gains five pounds over the holidays. And they typically don’t lose it. Oh, and what old men with beer bellies look like at the beach. Hot.
3 Start making things
Feel like you haven’t stretched any of those creative muscles since using Play-Doh to make a blue, erect phallus sculpture in elementary school? Get artistic again; even if you’ve said, “I suck at drawing,” one too many times. Vow to start making things — whether it’s a playlist, a meal, a video, or a bookcase. Working on projects will get that innovative part of your brain up-and-running. You can explore interests and learn things you probably couldn’t during work or school — like video-editing software. Plus, the finished products are ego boosters. One friend recently gutted an old analog TV and transformed it into a bar. He can proudly say, “I made it,” when drunken house-guests ask where the hell he got such a marvelous thing. Then, the room swoons. So artsy.
2 Clear your, um, head
Let’s be frank: You drank your f-cking face off this summer. Having a hangover passed out next to a pool is one thing, stumbling into lecture hall feeling like you’re going to projectile vomit is another. And, as the weather cools down, drinking because it’s pretty outside is no longer an excuse — instead, you’ll be the guy binge drinking at the local dimly-lit watering hole. It’s not as if you have to check into a sober house (or maybe you do, I don’t know you). I’m going to be a mom and tell you it’s time to tone it down a little, buster. Be selective about what nights you want to get wrecked. You’ll save money — on booze, covers, and that nasty fast food you always mow down after a night of drinking — and maybe even spare yourself a ticket for public intoxication at 3 a.m. on a Tuesday.
1 Focus, buddy
Summer was the time for ditsy, peroxide-colored hair flings. But alas, discussions with your grandmother (who thinks her grandchild is doomed to be alone forever due to the passing down of bad genes) at Thanksgiving are right around the corner. Spare yourself from the awkward, painful fake laughs and bouts of reassurance and buckle down, kid. Ask that girl you’ve been eyeing at the office out already. Dating in the fall is pretty painless too — look at leaves. Wow, so pretty, and it didn’t cost you a thing, did it? And, you know the bitter-cold time that is winter will be here any minute. Who are you going to cuddle up with during that horrid snowstorm, your hand and a bottle of Jack?
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