Quitting any job is tough. There’s not really a good way to do it, and somebody somewhere is going to get their feelings hurt or make you feel bad for doing what you’ve gotta do. But some ways are worse than others. These are the ways that destroy any sympathy anybody might have for you. They turn the story from you leaving a crappy job to you just being an asshole. And so to avoid looking like an asshole, try to make sure you don’t do any of these, which are nine of the worst ways to quit your job.
At least have the balls to show up and tell everyone you’re leaving. It’s really not fair to just leave everybody in the lurch. Sure, you get to sleep in and then watch Jeopardy in your underwear, but if you have a soul, you’ll just feel Alex Trebek judging you through the screen, his eyes dripping with the same contempt he normally only shows contestants on his show. And nobody needs to feel judged by Alex Trebek. Besides, you’re really only delaying the inevitable. You might think everyone will get the hint, but it’s gonna make that phone call a week later asking where you are and hoping that you’re okay reeeeaaalllly awkward.
Look, you’re just quitting your job, not standing up against tyranny like Patrick Henry. You don’t look badass, and nobody is going to give you an ‘80s movie slow-clap when you’re done. Instead, they’ll all just look vaguely uncomfortable, and you’ll hustle out of the building with your head down, embarrassed. And then instead of being that person who stood up for their principles, you’ll just be known as that weird dude who flipped out and gave a weird-ass speech just before lunch that one time. So settle down, Cicero, no one cares.
It might seem like a good idea to sleep with the boss’s wife as one last power move, but what happens when the condom breaks or you don’t pull out on time, and the next thing you know you’ve got a kid together? Then you’re pretty much stuck with your boss forever, arguing about college funds and child support, and nobody needs that. It’s all part of the plan until someone has an office bastard. According to the National Labor Relations Board, that’s how 68% of business relationships go bad. I’m just saying, think this through, dudes.
What are you, an 11 year-old girl breaking up with her first “boyfriend?” No one’s going to respect you if you have someone else do your dirty work for you. It just makes you look weak. Besides, what kind of asshole makes someone else deal with that kind of awkwardness? “Oh yeah, Jim said he wouldn’t be in today. Or ever.” You’re putting someone else in your boss’s crosshairs, and that’s just a dick-move, bro. At least send a text like a 16 year-old girl.
There’s a concept known as “suicide by cop,” which is when someone decides to end it all by forcing the police to shoot him. It’s the same idea at work. You’re too cowardly to pull the trigger yourself and so you just act like a douchebag for a few weeks until your boss has no choice but to fire you. This just makes things miserable for everyone. Just man up and quit if you’re going to quit. Don’t dick around until nobody can take it anymore and even the friendly janitor with the lazy eye who likes to talk about bunny rabbits hates you. He’s so innocent.
Sure, it might seem cathartic, but good luck getting another job once your rep as Triumph the Insult Comic Dog gets out. Nobody wants to deal with a head-case who’s going to lose his shit the moment he gets down and starts burning everyone around him. Besides, you totally lose the moral high-ground when you do this, and if there’s one thing that everybody knows it’s that the dude with the moral high-ground is the one who “wins” in these situations, and you’re no loser, are you?
Yeah, your friends think it’s totally funny that you quit via YouTube video, but, uh, it’s not gonna end well. First of all, do you really want a million people to know you couldn’t hack it flipping burgers or shuffling papers? Second, you leave yourself open to corporate retaliation, and if there’s anything more embarrassing than a dude mooning his employers in a YouTube vid, it’s that dude getting clowned by Ronald McDonald and Grimace in a follow-up YouTube diss track. Sure, you’ll know how Biggie felt after Tupac dropped “Hit ‘Em Up” – well, kind of anyway – but just remember how that ended for everybody.
If there’s one thing you really, really don’t want to do, it’s burn your coworkers on the way out. Sure, you escaped, but just remember, if you don’t do it the right way, one of your brothers in arms is going to have pick up the slack. And since you know more than everybody how much the job sucks, why would you do that to someone? Even if you hate your coworkers, there’s probably at least one poor soul you get along with, and you’re torching them along with everybody else. Again, you lose all the high-ground when you do this, and you turn a whole office against you when it should be your Nazi bosses who take the heat for you leaving. Way to aid and abet the enemy, dude.
It’s definitely the ultimate form of catharsis, and you’ll probably end up on the news, but let’s face it, you’re probably not getting hired anywhere else for a long, long time. Probably because you’ll be in prison, where you won’t be doing jobs so much as giving them, and they don’t let you quit those kinds of jobs, guys. A couple of solid punches to the boss’s head might feel good in the moment, but just remember that the whole thing will probably end with you giving head to a dude who makes you call him “boss” in a tiny cell. And the pay is just lousy.
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