Once again, the 4th of July is upon us and with that comes the responsibility of celebrating this most patriotic of holidays in a fashion befitting the grandeur of this great American nation. Sure, you’ve got the picnics, fireworks shows that are the same year after year, and the boring speeches by mayors and presidents, but collectively, we’re all better than that, aren’t we? It’s time for Americans everywhere to stand up and show the rest of the world how much we love our country, and there’s no better way to do this than with one of these eight awesomely patriotic ways to celebrate the 4th of July.
8. Declare Your Independence from Work by Getting Completely Hammered
The first step in honoring America on its birthday is to celebrate your own independence from your job (at least for a day) by getting so drunk that you forget you ever even had a job in the first place. I’m talking pants-pissingly drunk. You just know that’s how Ben Franklin celebrated the 4th every year. If you’re feeling truly patriotic, you could always stick to a good old fashioned American beer or even better, celebrate alongside a truly patriotic American icon like Mr. Jack Daniels. But don’t stress too much about what you’re drinking. After all, America has always been a nation of immigrants and it’s important to recognize the contributions different cultures have made to our collective intoxication, and if that means downing vodka shots before noon then, well, that’s just what you’ve gotta do.
7. Bigger Fireworks
Sure, you can always buy the cheap fireworks that your kids light off on the lawn that fizzle and die faster than Benedict Arnold’s sense of loyalty (topical humor!) but America deserves better than that. America deserves the expensive and probably illegal fireworks that you have to go across state lines to get and which will probably leave you missing one of your thumbs. America deserves fireworks that will shock and awe your neighbors, the kind that will make them retreat to their cellars because they’re afraid a nuclear bomb just went off. Because let’s face it, there is nothing more American than blowing shit up.
6. Drive to the Canadian Border and Blare the Star Spangled Banner from Loudspeakers
Canada and the United States have always been siblings. The U.S. is the older brother who fought with their parents the whole time and then got in a fistfight with dad before running off to join the army and then enrolling in college and becoming the CEO of his own thriving business. Canada is the younger brother who just sat in his room all the time and did whatever dad told him until he went to a hippie college paid for by dad and then moved back above the garage where he works on his music and sometimes watches afternoon soaps with mom when he’s not playing in his hockey rec league. It’s about time big brother rolled up in his Hummer and blasted a little reminder of what independence really sounds like. Sure, the Canadians will probably just look at you puzzled for a moment and then shrug their shoulders or maybe even laugh, but that’s just because they’re jealous. Jealous of freedom!
5. Go to a Baseball Game
What’s more American than baseball? Well, other than blowing shit up and casual racism, but those don’t have their own professional league, unless of course you count Congress as a professional league. And so what you’re left with is baseball. With the sun shining, it’s a perfect way to spend a relaxing 4th of July afternoon. Okay, okay, so the game itself is kind of boring but that’s not the point. The point is that you get to sit outside for a few hours, drink and yell at millionaires for not hitting a small ball with a stick properly. Choke down a few hotdogs and then vomit all over the person in front of you. And while security leads you out to a chorus of laughter and cheers, be proud that you have just cleared your palate – and your stomach – so that you can celebrate America long into the night.
4. Set a World Record Bonfire
Quick history lesson because we’re all about education here at Guyism: Back in the day, a popular 4th of July tradition was the creation of massive bonfires. Towns and villages would compete to see who could create the biggest. The largest ever recorded, with over 40 tiers of barrels, were the bonfires of Salem, Massachusetts (give Salem credit, once they get good at something they ride that son of a bitch all the way to the top. Barrels, witches… it all burns the same I guess.) I think it’s time to revive that tradition. After all, what better way to show the world that America is number one other than by showing our mastery of fire? Sure, that’s something even a caveman could pull off, but America isn’t about to take a backseat to some Eurotrash caveman. No, we burn shit bigger and better than anyone. It is our reason for being and it’s about time we remember that.
3. Stage Your Own Monster Truck Rally
America is the land of opportunity and so why not take this opportunity to put giant wheels on your truck, paint it red, white and blue and tear ass down the middle of Main Street for everyone to gawk at? Maybe get some girls in red, white and blue bikinis, or even better yet red, white and blue body-paint, and have them in the back of the truck throwing candy at all the kids or something. I don’t know, I’m just thinking out loud here, it’s just an idea. Run over any puny foreign cars you see on the street, maybe hire that “Sunday, Sunday, Sunday!” commercial announcer to hang out in the passenger seat and holler at people through a megaphone. Sure, you’ll probably end up getting tasered by the cops, but America is all about civil disobedience and taking a stand for the right cause. It’s what our forefather’s would do.
2. Grill Everything
If you’re not grilling something on the 4th of July chances are the NSA has a file on you somewhere because clearly your patriotism is questionable at best. But rather than just grilling the usual hot dogs and hamburgers, don’t be afraid to really go for it and grill anything and everything you can think of. Order a pizza and then throw it on the grill for a few minutes before eating it. Spray some lighter fluid on that bird that wakes you up at five in the morning every day and then toss it on the grill. This is not a time to worry about what’s edible and what’s not. This is about making a statement, about honoring what America is all about. Grill baby, grill!
1. Beat up an Englishman
This one should be obvious. What better way to celebrate America’s independence from the British than by beating one of them up? It’s quite literally what George Washington would have done. I do recognize that chances are you might have some trouble finding a proper Englishman of your own to beat up, especially if you live in, like, Kansas or somewhere like that so as a compromise, just punch out the first person you see wearing red. But always remember, wait until you see the whites of their eyes before doing it. It’s what George Washington would have wanted.
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