Sex is all about exploration. It’s no fun exploring the same territory every time.
When sex gets old it affects all aspects of the relationship. Sure, you’re pissed she left dishes in the sink again, but it’s nothing a blumpkin couldn’t fix. It’s all about adding an variety!
Now, some sex acts sound completely nuts, but not nuts enough to try at least once. Remember guys, it doesn’t hurt to ask unless she physically hurts you for asking. Be sure to keep her limits in mind.
For this exercise, we’ll let the Urban Dictionary be our Kama Sutra, bible and thesaurus companion all wrapped together. Without getting too offensive, revolting or other-worldly, let’s take a look at some hilarious sex moves that every dude should request at least once.
It’s not so much an act but an action. This is when her ass is so wonderful you feel an irresistible urge to sink your teeth into it. Tell her it’s a compliment. Just don’t bite too hard. There is sex and then there is assault.
This move originates in the “wheelbarrow” position and the, uh, “passenger” lets their arms go limp and then allows themselves to be dragged across the carpet like a vacuum by the “driver.” I can’t think of anything more loving or sexy to show all those tender feelings, can you?
Now we’re getting into raunchier territory. The ballcuzi is when a man plunges his sack into a cup of warm liquid (such as milk or hot cocoa) and is treated to a woman blowing bubbles into the liquid with one or more straws. Trading in the hummer for the ballcuzi was a good investment.
This is when a girl fills her mouth with pop rocks and then gives her man a very confusing-yet-stimulating beejay. Orifice-based fireworks? Charming.
This is when a girl dresses up like David Bowie/Ziggy Stardust from the 80’s and then gives you a…well, you know. Clearly a winner if you’re a big fan of Labyrinth.
This is like a French kiss, but down under. Where’s “Bad Joke Eel” when you need him?
Go to your local toy store, pick up a pair of Hulk Hands, and use them to pleasure yourself in a fit of wild rage. Like getting your first dry, angry teenage hand job all over again. “HULK SMMMMMASH LATER DIS FEEL TOO GOOD!”
Ah, a perfect storm consisting of equal parts horny and tardy – all because you had to fit in an unscheduled sexual encounter. And no,
masturbation doesn’t count.
This describes an attempt to draw a picture on your lover’s face by twiddling both of their nipples simultaneously. It’s probably the only nostalgia-inspired sex move in the entire history of sex moves.
This is when the sex is so bad you cry out, “Oh, the humanity!” Offensive and offensive! There is also “hindenburging” which is “when a female (or male) blows air into a males foreskin, making a balloon. Then punches his balls, creating a surprising amount of pain that ruins the moment.”
Couple in bed image by Shutterstock
I want more like this!
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