Summer is great, but there are times when the heat makes you question whether you’re living in the ninth circle of hell. And while it’s pretty easy to just flip a switch and let the AC take you away to a better world, not everyone has that luxury. That means that a lot of people are forced to get a little more creative when it comes to ways to beat the heat. Indeed, once that thermometer reaches triple digits and the humidity seems like something out of a rainforest, we all become a mixture of Einstein and Edison, and from the complicated to the simple, the ingenious to the ridiculous, we have managed to collectively come up with these nine weird and creative ways to beat the heat this and every summer.
9. Garbage Can Pool
Look, I get that you don’t just want to leave stray trash bags laying around, but desperate times call for desperate measures, and if you time it just right, you can have a fine personal pool for a day or two. Just wait until the day after garbage pick-up and then fill that sucker to the brim with cool, cool water. But be warned, you’re going to need some help, otherwise you’re just going to look like an idiot standing there scratching your head wondering how to get in the damn thing. Once you’re in, though, you can just chill like Oscar the Grouch. Sure, it isn’t luxurious and even a little demeaning, but while the asphalt melts and your friends dissolve into piles of sweat and misery, the man with the garbage can pool will be king. Or at least not so hot. Same thing really.
8. Have a Water War
Return to your youthful roots and have a little fun with beating the heat. Buy a whole shitload (technical term) of water balloons, arm yourself with an arsenal of water guns, from tiny plastic ten cent handguns to monstrous Super Soakers that would drown a small dog, and go to war with both your friends and the heat. Sure, you’ll probably work up a sweat from all the running around, and the whole thing will end when someone gets way too into it and ends up taking hostages or filling balloons with their own piss after getting cut off from a water supply, but war is hell, man. So is the summer heat, though, and sacrifices must be made.
7. Lick Your Wrists
When monkeys get overheated, they cool down by licking their wrists. It’s simple and kind of ridiculous, but they are our forefathers, and so are you to doubt their wisdom? Of course, since we’re humans and have access to things like running water, we can just substitute licking our wrists like beasts with running them under a tap for a few seconds. This works because it cools down the pulse points, which keeps your body from overheating. It’s basic monkey science.
6. Eat Hot Peppers
This one might not be the most pleasant, but it’s effective in a crude way. If you eat a ton of hot peppers – the hotter the better, which is a general rule for all aspects of life really – you will begin to sweat. A lot. The weird thing about pepper sweat, though, is that it isn’t a result of your body overheating. No, no one, not even those great monkey scientists from the wrist licking experiments, knows exactly why peppers make you sweat. They just do, and this means that even the lightest breeze will feel icy cold on your sweat-soaked skin. Of course, not everyone wants to end up a sweat-soaked mess, but beggars can’t be choosers.
5. Wear an Ice Vest
Yes, some beautiful genius came up with the idea for an ice vest. There are lots of different types out there, most of which deal with frozen gels and expansion of compressed air, and a whole lot of expensive B.S. used by athletes and military types to stay cool. But for your simple (read: broke as hell) purposes, you can just rig up an old vest with actual ice and strap that sucker on. Sure, it will all melt and you’ll be left eventually just wearing a soaking wet vest, but for a little while anyway, you will be literally the chillest bro around.
4. Freeze Your Water Bottles
This is another simple but highly effective weapon against the summer heat. Just freeze your water before you go out and you’ll have something nice and cold to drink all day long. Instead of letting the sun turn your water into hot lava within an hour of leaving the house, let it attack the frozen block of ice in your water bottle, melting it bit by bit so that it becomes something akin to drinking icy cold water out of a spring in the Alps. I mean, I guess you could just pack a cooler, but who wants to carry that around? Just stick a couple of water bottles in the freezer the night before and you’re all set.
3. Freeze Your Sheets
Look, you don’t want to literally freeze your sheets, unless, of course, you enjoy sleeping on jagged shards for a half hour until they melt and leave you feeling like you just pissed the bed. But what you can do is tie your sheets up nice and tight in a plastic bag and then stuff them in the freezer for a little while before you go to bed. That way, when you take them out, they will be nice and chilled without being all iced over. Plus, freezing your sheets will do a fine job of killing all the crabs left by that questionable hookup, and the ghosts of all those unborn children left behind in your, uh, stains. It’s important to multitask in this hectic world.
2. Hold a Wet T-Shirt Contest
Hey man, you’ve gotta do what you’ve gotta do, and so do your lady friends. I know this is tough for you, but if the only way to keep them cool is to douse them with a bucket full of water while they prance around in wife-beaters, then you’re just going to have to suck it up and do the right thing. For them. It’s called feminism, fellas.
1. Do Nothing
The cheapest, most effective way to beat the heat is to just surrender to it and do nothing. Just lay around like a slug all day in the dark. After all, a wise man understands that battling nature itself is an exercise in futility. Instead, let yourself become one with nature. Let it dictate your actions. You’re not being incredibly lazy. No, you’re being wise, like Buddha or Jesus. And if you manage to flip on your Xbox somehow, then you’ve even managed to surpass those great spiritual leaders. Don’t let anyone tell you different. Beating the heat is that important.
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Suntan lotion image by Shutterstock
Water fight image by Shutterstock
Ice vest image: Flexi Freeze, Amazon
Hammock image by Shutterstock