Friends, I come to you on this dreary Monday morning with bad news: Only 33% of all Americans describe themselves as content. There are many reasons why the number is so low—poor health, bad economic times, that girl who rejected you at the bar on Friday—but experts agree that one major cause is our workplace environment. The simple fact is, we work too many hours. We backstab our peers. We sometimes have an unstable job status.
But, here's the thing: If you're in an office cubicle right now, sipping your second cup of coffee and pondering how to turn the novelty mug into a suicide apparatus, stop despairing! I have the answer. I've found a surefire thing that will improve the morale of any office in this whole fuckin' country.
You're going to need to get a Basse.
Basse is a Norwegian man and subject of a recent news report which made the case that he's the world's most easily scared man. As you can see from the report above, it's a strong case. Basse comically flails away from things thrown at him, screams like a woman when he opens a box with a person hiding in it, and, overall, acts like one evolutionary step above your common fainting goat. He takes everything in stride, though, and it's obvious that his presence has made his office 90% better. Look at the workers: They've bonded over scaring the shit out of him! Look at Basse: He loves the attention!
So here's what you've got to do: Get yourself a Basse. Spend valuable worktime hours planning more and more elaborate pranks on him. And, if this results in a heart attack, just forget I said anything.