If last summer was anything, it was a summer dedicated to a designer drug, openly sold in the streets, and talked about everywhere online. No, New York Times editors, that drug was not Molly. It was bath salts, a drug made of substituted cathinones that, according to Wikipedia, provides similar effects to uppers like amphetamine and cocaine. To which we say: Have you ever seen anyone on cocaine? Did that person try to eat off your face? No, bath salts were a whole different animal, and we were suitably freaked out by the whole thing.
It all started when Rudy Eugene, a 31-year-old Floridian—because horrifying national trends always start in Florida—attacked 65-year-old Ronald Poppo, leaving the elderly man with a face "75-80 percent" gone. It was widely speculated that bath salts played a factor, and millions of funny, then shitty, "zombie apocalypse" jokes were made. Then a Baltimore man ate a human being's brains and heart, and a New Jersey resident actually committed Seppuku and threw his intestines at police officers. Congress and President Obama soon signed legislation banning bath salts' sale. But it didn't stop Louisana man, under the influence, from biting the face of his friend. And a New Haven wig shop owner was attacked by a couple of biters. And a man bit his dog. Poor dog.
As the weather cooled and the crazies went back to their underground homes, the summer of bath salts found its end. But THIS WAS IMPORTANT. We must never forget the 2012 Summer of Bathsalts. It taught us the educational value of the Walking Dead, the dangerous ripple effect of copycat biters, and, of course, the pyschic damage that comes with ingesting things that belong in a bathtub. And while the teenager in the video above never got that memo, we have. Adios, bath salts. We eagerly await your horrible replacement.