Yesterday's Manchester City-Everton match was delayed when a disgruntled man ran onto the pitch and handcuffed himself to a goalpost. Security opted not to cut off his hands, which would have been the most expedient way to solve this problem.

The man was upset because Irish airline Ryanair didn't hire his daughter. This is the best plan he could conjure up. I wonder if she had enough money to bail him out. God only knows what her job search will be like now.

"Hey, aren't you the girl whose dad...."

After several players came over and spoke to the man, a groundskeeper heroically showed up with some bolt-cutters. Problem solved ethically.