Welcome to Noteworthy Text Histories, a new weekly column in which we present to you the completely real, totally non-fake text conversations between famous historical figures and the members of their present-day super-posse. Last week, we kicked things off with the Honest Bro, Abe Lincoln. This week, we've got the master of modern day science and namesake of sh*ttily fruit-filled middle school snacks, Sir Isaac Newton. 

Here, Newton dishes out his fantasy football strategy, flirting tactics, and unintentionally enables Daniel Tosh and his never-ending hurricance of spectacular tastelessness. Check it above.